


Chasing Shadows

by softjoohoney



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, but also a lot of, but it will also change, i guess shitty parents and very brief mention of implied homophobia??, i wasn't too sure about the rating since it deals with serious stuff, kiho, later on, once i post the second part, there really doesn't need to be a whole lot of tags on this one???
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18809872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjoohoney/pseuds/softjoohoney
Summary: Kihyun has never really been one to believe in fate or higher beings and he’s always been a very rational person but as he blinks at his reflection, taking in the dark circles and grim complexion, he can’t help but wonder if he’s done something so bad in his life to make him deserve this. He knows he hasn’t been sleeping well or taking care of himself properly – he feels tired to the bone and like the slightest inconvenience could make him crumble completely – and it feels like someone up there is laughing in his face.





	1. PART I

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick note, the paragraphs separated with asterisks are flashbacks!! (they only happen at the beginning but I wanted to avoid confusion!) enjoy! uwu

Kihyun has never really been one to believe in fate or higher beings and he’s always been a very rational person but as he blinks at his reflection, taking in the dark circles and grim complexion, he can’t help but wonder if he’s done something so bad in his life to make him deserve this. He knows he hasn’t been sleeping well or taking care of himself properly – he feels tired to the bone and like the slightest inconvenience could make him crumble completely – and it feels like someone up there is laughing in his face.

Shaking his head and taking a deep breath, Kihyun presses into his eyes and wipes the tears that had started clinging to his lashes after he escaped to the bathroom a few minutes prior.

“You can do this.” He whispers, trying to convince himself, gently slapping his cheeks before exhaling loudly and turning back to the door, hesitating for a second before grabbing the knob and walking out of the closed space.

Kihyun slowly shuffles toward the living room where he knows the other man is. He doesn’t remember feeling so restless at the thought of facing the other as he holds tightly onto the journal he worked on for the past few days and has just finished putting together some fifteen minutes ago. Clearing his throat, Kihyun hopes he doesn’t look as out of place as he feels in his own home.

“Hoseok?” He asks tentatively to the man sitting on the couch. Kihyun has always adored how small and cute Hoseok can look despite how bulky he is but now, the way his knees are brought up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them is showing nothing but how uncomfortable and tense he is.

The man turns his head in his direction with a small smile but Kihyun knows right away that the way it stretches over his face is only a polite acknowledging one and not the loving grin he’s been so used to see over the years. Nonetheless, the younger smiles back and sits beside him, not forgetting to leave a respectful amount of space between them.

Kihyun tries to convince himself that he’s used to it by now. Used to having his lover look at him like he’s no one special. Used to keep his hands to himself even when his fingers are hitching to smooth out stray strands of pale hair. Used to ask for the elder’s opinion on everything as to not surprise or upset him. Used to have the person he cherishes most in the world suffering from amnesia.

But he isn’t.

Deep down, Kihyun knows he’ll never be able to accept it and it’s killing him.

It’s hard. Some days it almost seems impossible but, even though Kihyun has always thought he’s bad at hiding his emotions, it turns out he can be a pretty damn convincing actor when he needs to be.

“Here.” He says softly, handing Hoseok the small journal. “I wrote a few things about you, about the past few years and put some pictures together. You should look at it while I’m at work.” He finishes, forcing a smile.

“Okay.” Hoseok voices back just as quietly, running his fingers slowly over the cover of the book, the sleeve of his hoodie almost covering his hand completely as he avoids looking him in the eyes and Kihyun bites his tongue before taking in a sharp breath to keep himself from doing something he’ll regret.

“Alright, I have to go now.” He says, breath leaving him in a loud exhale, quickly standing up and slinging his bag with his camera over his shoulder.

“Hey, Kihyun?” Hoseok speaks, almost too quietly.

“Yeah?” Kihyun whips back around eagerly – his name coming from the elder’s mouth a rare thing recently.

“Thank you.” Hoseok starts, glancing at him for a moment. “For everything you do for me.” Hoseok smiles, eyes still cast down toward the journal but Kihyun can see it and his heart feels like it might jump out of his chest. It isn’t that polite, thin-lipped smile that he’s come to resent so much in the past three weeks; it’s the one he remembers receiving before they started dating. It’s a bit crooked and shy and Kihyun has always been completely smitten for it. 

“It’s okay…You’re my friend.” Kihyun lets out, the other nodding to himself and Kihyun quickly leaves their apartment, muttering something about being late but it’s mostly so he doesn’t let his emotions get the best of him again.

Kihyun slumps back against the door for a moment, pressing the palm of his hand over his mouth to muffle a sob. Most days he’s able to keep strong and stop his emotions and tears in check but this morning feels especially overwhelming and he’s just having a hard time.

Situations like this are the most difficult for him. Hoseok doesn’t know they’ve been lovers for a few years and Kihyun _hates_ not being able to tell him. He still has a hard time believing that so much can happen and change in a split second.

***

Kihyun is walking home from an afternoon photoshoot he had with quite a famous model and it went great. They worked well together and he’s already excited about how the pictures will come out. He also knows it will look good in his portfolio and he can’t quite control the smile on his face and the pep in his steps – he barely slows down when his phone goes off. Fishing the device out of his pocket, Kihyun almost rolls his eyes at the name on display. Hyungwon, Hoseok’s childhood friend – and therefor Kihyun’s close friend by association – has been pestering him for them to work together for the past week. Still, Kihyun finds himself smiling, a reply already forming in his head at whatever the younger is going to propose this time because his good mood can’t quite be tempered with today. But as soon as he answers, the words he had been ready to spew die on his tongue and he feels like his world is slipping through his fingers in a second.

‘Hoseok’s been in a car accident, you need to get here now.’

The words are still ringing through Kihyun’s head over and over again as he runs all the way to the hospital where his lover has been taken to, knowing it would take longer to try and catch a cab. Kihyun pushes the heavy door of the building and quickly goes to the emergency waiting room, eyes frantically searching for the person who called him.

“Hyungwon.” He chokes out, his throat feeling tight and dry, heart pounding his ears from worry and all the running he did.

“Kihyun…” Hyungwon breathes after his head snaps up in his direction, eyes filled with tears and Kihyun is frozen at the sight – He barely sees him taking the few steps separating them and wrapping him in a tight shaky hug and Kihyun spots Hoseok’s younger brother sitting in a nearby chair with his head in his hands.

“Hyungwon…what happened? Where is he? Can we see him? I ne– ”

“Kihyun.” He cuts him off, moving away from the embrace and grasping his shoulders, long finger digging in his skin through his clothes and Kihyun is scared. He’s never seen the other in such a state.

“This…This guy ran a red light and hit his car. Right now he’s still in surgery so we still can’t see him.” Kihyun’s eyes widen at that, his blood running cold because just how severe are his injuries that’s he’s been immediately taken to surgeries? “The doctors, they said…” The younger trails off, his head falling forward and Kihyun fears the worst.

“What did they say?” Kihyun insists, feet rooted to the floor, limbs feeling heavy.

“They said that he lost a lot of blood and that he didn’t show any response since the accident a-and that he received a pretty nasty blow to the head – well they didn’t say those words but-but you know...” Hyungwon trailed off a new load of tears running down his cheeks.

***

Kihyun shakes his head and finally starts walking so he actually won’t be late to for work. He tries. He tries really hard to not think about it – not let everything invade his mind completely but every day it gets harder and harder as Hoseok’s physical injuries start fading one after the other but his mind is still completely blocked.

When Hoseok initially woke up, Kihyun really thought there may have been some higher power involved because according to the doctors, it was very unlikely he would wake up and if he did, he might stay in a vegetative state, but he didn’t. He woke up on his own and Kihyun remembers feeling an overwhelming joy that quickly burst when it turned out the elder wasn’t only suffering from visible injuries

***

Kihyun is hunched over the side of Hoseok’s hospital bed for the seventh night in a row. Everyone keeps telling him to go home for a bit, actually get some rest but he can’t find it in him to just…leave. What if something happened while he’s gone and he can’t be there for his last moment?

The thought only makes Kihyun’s heart clench painfully at the possibility and he shuts his eyes tightly, trying to get at least a wink of sleep. The elder’s hand is tucked under his cheek while the constant beeping of the machines has become Kihyun’s own personal lullaby and he startles for a second, wondering if he just imagined the movement against his skin. It’s so subtle it’s almost imperceptible but it’s enough to wake him up from the half-sleep state he had been in.

Kihyun’s head shoots up and his eyes are suddenly wide and fixed on the other’s face as if he’d disappear if he as much as looked away for a second.

“Seok?” He whispers in a short breath, clasping his hands around his boyfriend’s limp one when he feels it again and his heart skips. It’s once again barely noticeable but he can feel his fingers twitching. “Hoseok.” He tries again, his voice still quiet but more assured.

The man’s brows furrow slightly, face slowly twisting in an expression of discomfort and Kihyun leans over again, freeing one of his hands from his own grasp and moves the hair that has fallen over the elder’s face.

Slowly, Hoseok’s eyes flutter open and shift around aimlessly before they focus on Kihyun, frown still evident of his face. The younger doesn’t know what to do or what to feel. It’s almost as if he’s frozen there as if he as much as blinks, everything he’s just witnessing will vanish into thin air and the other will go back into a coma. His heart is beating fast; so fast it’s almost painful.

It’s the moment he sees Hoseok part his lips to speak that Kihyun feels everything just flooding him and he can’t think about anything else than embracing his lover. Moving forward and gently cradling Hoseok’s head against his chest with trembling hands in fear of hurting him, Kihyun lets out low shushing sounds as he wills his heart to calm down.

“It’s okay…Don’t force yourself to speak yet.” He says shakily, feeling it must be overwhelming for him too to wake up like this but the only response Kihyun gets is a strangled whimper. Pulling back immediately, thinking he may be hurting him, Kihyun looks at his face again and if the blank look he receives makes him feel uneasy, the words he hears are what truly make his world crumble into pieces. 

“W-who?” Hoseok croaks out, voice hoarse with misuse and brows furrowed more than before.

“Seok…It’s me. Don’t play around.” Kihyun tries to reach for his hand again but the elder weakly but clearly moves his hand away, a confused expression on his face.

“I don’t know you, please leave me alone.” He whispers as if it hurts him to simply speak and Kihyun wants nothing more than protect him and care for him but he can’t. He also can’t find it in himself to say anything. It feels like his tongue is swollen in his mouth and his ears are ringing, making his head spin. 

Mechanically walking out of the room with heavy limbs, Kihyun sets on finding a nurse but when he exits the room, he falls on Hyungwon and Hoseok’s brother instead, the two clearly having just arrived with what looks like breakfast in their hands and Kihyun vaguely registers that he hasn’t slept once again. 

“Kihyun? What’s wrong?” Hyungwon asks, worry taking up his features at seeing the state he’s in. Kihyun’s mouth opens and closes a few times but no words are coming out, only a choked sob. He feels numb; as if someone has cut any sensation from his body. Hoseok’s brother’s eyes widen and he quickly walks into his brother’s room, the man’s friend in tow.

“You’re here.” When Kihyun hears Hoseok’s hushed but soothed voice, he turns back toward the room.

“Thank God you’re okay.” Hyungwon exhales with a relieved laugh, his brother hugging the blond the same way Kihyun did earlier, only he isn’t pushing him away but leaning into the embrace.

Hoseok lifts his eyes and catches sight of Kihyun hovering in the doorway, his finger automatically tightening on his brother’s arm. The man looks down at him and follows his eyes.

“Who’s he?” Hoseok voices and the other’s brows raise a little and he lets out a small nervous laugh.

“What do you mean? Already playing games?” When Hoseok doesn’t show any reaction, Hyungwon glances back at Kihyun’s face. Fat tears silently dripping down to his chin and a pained expression plastered over his face when Hoseok looks away from him.

“Kihyun let’s get a nurse,” Hyungwon mutters walking out of the room again and leaving the brothers inside.

Kihyun slowly nods, obeying the younger without saying anything, barely feeling him putting a hand on his back as they head out to find a nurse – who quickly contacts a doctor in turn.

It’s painful. For the past few days, Kihyun thought as long as Hoseok wakes up, everything will be fine again. He never thought about having to watch the person he loves looking so lost and disoriented. Watch him not being able to answer most of the questions the doctor asks, not knowing what date…or year it is. It’s heartbreaking and Kihyun can’t even be in there with him to hold his hand and offer some type of moral support.  
After maybe an hour – Kihyun isn’t sure he’s been good at keeping track of time – the doctor who’s been taking care of Hoseok since the accident comes out of the room and pulls Kihyun aside to talk to him alone.

“I have good and bad news Kihyun.” The man starts slowly, features unreadable and the brunet holds his breath with guarded eyes waiting for him to continue. “Well, surprisingly he woke up and fortunately, he doesn’t have any permanent physical damages, just a few bruises that will heal and not require much physical therapy. The bad news is that he suffers from a quite severe case of retrograde amnesia. He remembers his names, his family and everything that has happened in his life until he was around the age of sixteen.” The man explains and Kihyun feels the knot in his throat growing tighter as he tries to hold back his tears. Kihyun can’t help but think how much of a cruel play of fate it is considering that he met Hoseok when they were around that age.

“Will it come back?” He whispers after a few moments of trying to keep himself together, not completely sure he wants an honest answer. The doctor sighs and frowns with sympathy.

“We don’t know Kihyun…That kind of trauma is hard to evaluate. Hoseok’s memory might come back in a few days, few weeks…We even saw cases in which the patient’s memories came back after months and years.” He answers honestly with a small smile but Kihyun has a bad feeling about it.

“Can it…Can it never come back?” He asks, all kind of scared.

“That’s a possibility…sadly, but you need to be positive.” He replies, squeezing his shoulder lightly and Kihyun nods curtly, telling himself that it’s hard to be positive when his lover can’t even recognize him. The brunet bites his lip and looks back toward the room Hoseok is in. The room where he spent the past week almost feels more dreading now.

“He really doesn’t remember me.” He mumbles more to himself than anything as if the situation is sinking in his head all over again.

“About you Kihyun...I have to tell you something else you won’t like.” The man starts, careful with his words and Kihyun briefly wonders what more he could tell him that would make things worse. “From what I managed to gather from these past few days, you two are in a relationship, correct?” He concludes and Kihyun nods mutely. “I’m going to ask you not to tell him that. You should only tell him that the two of you are friends.” He finishes and Kihyun’s look sharpens slightly as the words process in his mind.

“What? Why?”

“Sometimes when patients with amnesia are told that they are in a relationship, they start feeling guilty for not remembering who they’d used to call their other half. Some of them go in shock or their minds create some sort of blockage that keeps the memories from coming back. You need to ease him back into things.”

***

So here they are, living together as roommates. Hoseok has been discharged from the hospital a few days after waking up, the doctors making sure nothing else is wrong with him and agreeing that it’s better for him to be in a familiar environment – even if it doesn’t feel familiar to him since they moved together some four years ago.

Kihyun doesn’t talk about how it’s with helpless tears running down his face that he had ransacked their apartment, the day before Hoseok moves back in, to hide any evidence that would show they’re more than friends. Kihyun moves into their spare bedroom even though he hates it. He hates sleeping alone after being so used to have the other man next to him and even as the weeks' pass, he just can’t get used to it.

At first, it’s really difficult to see his lover not trusting him with anything but it’s nothing like the slap in the face he received when Minhyuk – Kihyun’s childhood friend and the one who had introduced Hoseok to him after meeting him a few months prior during a summer program – shows up at their door after coming back from working overseas and the elder recognizes him immediately.

***

“Minhyuk? It’s good to see you.” Hoseok grins, squeezing in from behind Kihyun and bringing the other in a hug and usually, Minhyuk is the first to bask in affection but he visibly freezes because Kihyun had warned him about the accident and his condition so he didn’t expect to be remembered.

“H-hey Seok…How are you?” He asks while entering the apartment and glancing worriedly at the younger who looks like he’s about to break down at any moment.

“Overall, I’m good…I’m confuse…a lot. You should’ve seen my reaction when I saw I had blond hair.” He chuckles with little humor. "It’s still strange looking how much my face and body changed too and I hate not remembering so much and realize how so many things changed in the past few years but overall…I feel fine.” He finishes with a small shrug.

 

It’s two weeks after Hoseok came out of the hospital and four days since Minhyuk came over their apartment that Kihyun finally can’t stand it anymore.

The three of them are in the living room watching something on TV – Kihyun thinks it’s some sort of documentary from the way the other two men are talking, but he’s not quite paying attention. Kihyun is curled up on the recliner next to the couch and he observes silently, fists clenched tightly as he tries to hold back his tongue once again. Kihyun watches Hoseok talking animatedly with Minhyuk, clearly having different opinions while he’s completely left out – no matter how many times Minhyuk tries to include him in and sends him apologetic glances. 

Kihyun suddenly stands up when he feels a familiar burning at the back of his eyes no matter how much he clenches his jaw to keep everything in – he knows it was only a matter of time before it would all burst. Kihyun hurriedly makes his way to his newly acquired bedroom without saying a word. He knows his departure doesn’t go unnoticed when a heavy silence takes over the living room.

Kihyun sits on the edge of the bed and buries his face in his hands, breathing heavily. Letting his hands drop from his face, Kihyun rubs his palms over his thighs squeezing at his knees to fight the urge to throw the first thing he can get his hands on. He’s never been one for impulsivity or harshness but he can feel it crawling up his throat. He feels like shouting. He feels like breaking everything.

He hates it.

But it barely takes a few moment for him to hear the door slowly open and he swallows thickly, eyes still closed.

“Minhyuk, I’ll be fine just…give me a minute.” He says shakily, trying to breathe in deeply, not wanting to lash out at the other. His childhood friend has comforted him way too many times in the past few days and Kihyun really starts feeling like a burden to him.

When he receives no answer nor hear the other sit beside him because he’s stubborn and won’t leave him alone, Kihyun looks up and his heart almost jumps out of his throat and he barely manages to hold back the gasp wanting to escape him when he sees his lover standing a few feet in front of him. Hoseok is unmoving, still holding the door handle behind his back when he shuffles in and silently closes it.

“Hoseok, why are you here?” He asks, quickly wiping furiously at his face like it might somehow hide the fact that he’s been crying.

“Are you okay?” The man questions tentatively, looking at Kihyun with searching eyes.

Kihyun almost wants to laugh, he wants to yell at him or tell him that he’s fine and to be left alone.

And yet he does none of that.

“Why can’t you remember me?” He whispers brokenly, the sound alone so dejected and desperate it makes him feel all kinds of pathetic. Kihyun has always prided himself for being a strong and level-headed person, but he’s never feel further from that than right now.

He knows Hoseok can’t control what he can and can’t remember. He knows the elder would wish his memory back in an instant if he could but Kihyun is hurt and he would normally hate himself for behaving like such a child but he can’t help it.

“I’m sorry…” Hoseok apologizes, looking down and finally letting go of the handle to walk a bit closer to him.

“Are you really?” Kihyun bites back, anger suddenly bubbling over and mixing into an ugly mess with the hurt in his chest. The elder doesn’t have the time to say anything before the brunet stands up. “It really feels like you don’t even try. I do everything…everything I can to help you. I even give you the space I think you need. Even Minhyuk’s trying to push…But it’s like you’re ignoring me…Like you just don’t care.” His last words are more of a cracked sob and he instantly feels guilt crippling inside of him when he sees his boyfriend’s eyes getting teary.

He knows how emotional and sentimental Hoseok is and how much he cares in general. He always cares about people. How they feel. How his actions affect them. He always tries to be considerate of others and Kihyun knows that. He knows those words are low blows and he regrets them as soon as they come out.

“I feel horrible, alright?” The blond almost snaps back before Kihyun can add anything but his voice lacks any sort of bite. “Guilt…Every time I look at you…I know we have a past…I know that I should know you…That we’re probably really good friends since we live together but no matter how hard I try and how hard I rack my brain, I have nothing!...Nothing…Do you know how scary that is? A-and do you think I can’t hear you cry yourself to sleep every damn night? Honestly…It hurts and I’m scared I’ll hurt you even more. I really want to make it better but I don’t know how.” He finishes, words becoming a jumbled mess and a tear finally escaping his eye.

The room falls into a heavy tense silence and Kihyun finds himself staring because. He should’ve known. He should’ve known this is the kind of thoughts plaguing Hoseok’s mind.

“Then don’t ignore me…We can work through this but…you have to help me.” Kihyun almost pleads and to his relief, Hoseok nods, sniffing slightly. In that moment, Kihyun really wants nothing more than to wrap him in a tight embrace or kiss his tears away, his whole body aching for any sort of contact but he knows better than that. Knows better than to rush things.

“I thought of you, you know.” Hoseok declares quietly and Kihyun looks at him silently unsure if he should say something or let the other speak. “I mean, when I tried to remember you, I tried to imagine what you were like. What kind of person I’d be okay living with,” Hoseok continues, glancing at him quickly with a wobbly smile, eyes still wet and a little red but Kihyun feels like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he can’t help a small smile back. 

All this time he’s been feeling like Hoseok doesn’t want to care about him anymore. That he’s nothing more than a past memory he doesn’t know about. And while there is definitely guilt still clinging at the back of his mind, maybe for having so little faith in the other, he also feels like this is a step in the right direction.

“Well…First off, I’m usually not such a cry baby.” Kihyun declares with a soft chuckle as he dries his eyes again, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

***

Kihyun sighs at the memory. After that day, neither of them bring it up again but they start talking more about everything…except their relationship. Sometimes Kihyun truly feels like telling him where they truly stand but he’s too afraid that would throw them back to square one so he always manages to hold back. But he also sometimes feel like Hoseok might have his suspicions when it comes to the nature of said relation – especially that one night when he asked him if he’s recently been going out or seeing someone. There had been a glint in his eyes that Kihyun still hasn’t quite shaken away yet.

Straightening his back and blinking a few times, Kihyun forces the thought away and tries to focus on the work he’s been half-focused on for too long.

“I know that model is attractive and all but you’ve been on the same picture for like fifteen minutes.”

Kihyun looks away from his monitor to see that Changkyun – a close friend and coworker – has rolled his chair next to him and is staring at him amusedly.

“I’ve been distracted all day,” Kihyun admits with a short sigh when he realizes how late it already is and Changkyun’s expression turns from impish to serious in an instant.

“Are you okay?” He asks, digging his chin into Kihyun’s shoulder and poking his side and Kihyun pats his cheek gently with a small smile. It’s in moments like these he’s reminded why he took a liking to the younger as soon as he started working for the same company. He’s playful but so easily picks up on details.

“I’m okay,” Kihyun mutters, aimlessly scrolling through the pictures he took of the model. “This morning has just been a lot.” He adds vaguely and Changkyun hums.

“We should go out of something soon. Get your mind off everything. You know, let go for a bit.” Changkyun offers and Kihyun is thankful he doesn’t pry and ask whys.

“Thanks, I’ll take you up on that offer eventually but right now I’m just…too tired to even think of going out.” He replies honestly, feeling exhaustion down to his bones and Changkyun nods, squeezing his shoulder and rolling back to his own computer.

“Just text me whenever. I’m sure Jooheon will want to see you too.” Changkyun mutters and Kihyun feels a small smile pulling at his lips at the mention of the younger’s boyfriend – Kihyun has always liked him too.

 

 

It feels like an eternity before Kihyun is walking home after work a few days later. For the three years he’s worked there, Kihyun has always been glad for it being a walking distance from home. But today he wishes nothing more than to be able to just teleport into the warmth of their apartment. He’s really tried to focus on work but his head simply wasn’t able to work properly. He knows he’s going to get chewed out for not having the edits out on time but he also has never liked to summit half-assed work.

When he walks inside and happily takes in the warmth, Kihyun keeps on his sweater as he kicks off his shoes because the early autumn wind was definitely colder than he expected and he’s still chilled to the bones. Out of habit, Kihyun shuffles into the living room because it has obviously become the place Hoseok feels more at ease but to his surprise, he finds it empty.

Kihyun frowns and marches to the little nook that isn’t quite a room and where the elder had set up a tiny home gym when they first moved in – he breathes a little sigh of relief when it’s empty too. Kihyun had almost scolded the man a few days prior when he got home and found him working out. Because while he knows how that’s always been something important to him, the last thing he wants is Hoseok injuring himself further by being too eager after leaving the hospital. Hoseok assured him he was taking it easy but Kihyun was still ready to chide him.

Figuring Hoseok must be out with Hyungwon or maybe his brother after shooting a quick glance to the bedroom, Kihyun drags his feet to the kitchen to get himself a quick snack, too tired to actually cook himself a meal.

The sight that greets him makes a fond smile appear on his face.

Hoseok is sitting at the table, arms folded on top of it and head resting on them, cheek squished and lips in a pout and Kihyun holds himself back from snapping a picture.

Silently walking closer, Kihyun brushes Hoseok’s hair from his eyes and spots the journal he made for him under his arms. He’s pretty sure it’s opened on a picture of the two of them but he can’t fully see.

“Hoseok?” He says in a hushed tone, gently shaking his shoulder, knowing how easily Hoseok gets startled when he’s woken up.

Stirring slightly and frowning for a second, Hoseok lifts his head and slowly blinks awake, squinting his eyes at the lights before focusing on him.

“Hi.” He croaks out with a yawn once he sees him and Kihyun wants nothing more than kiss the sleep lines from his cheek.

“Hey…What were you doing before drooling on the table?” Kihyun teases, laughing softly when the other’s eyes widen slightly and he wipes at his mouth – he sends him a weak glare when Kihyun says he’s messing with him.

“I was looking at this…” Hoseok starts, rubbing at his neck, eyes going back to the pictures and Kihyun was right, it’s the one he thought. “You know I wish you could smile like that again,” Hoseok mutters, sleep still evident in his voice.

Kihyun glances at the picture lovingly trying to ignore the faint squeeze at his heart. It’s always been one of Hoseok’s favorite pictures of them.

He would always say it’s because it clearly shows the dimples on top of his cheekbones but Kihyun knows it’s a lot more because of the blush that had crept up his face when they had been caught making out by Changkyun at a new year party before the boy had laughed and snapped the picture.

“I will.” He said softly, looking away when Hoseok stares at him with a peculiar look in his eyes. Kihyun has always love and hate how piercing and telling the elder’s gaze can be. 

 

 

Kihyun often prides himself for not being a clumsy person. He doesn’t randomly drop things or cut himself using sharp knives while cooking so he curses in a harsh breath when he drops a glass on a Sunday morning. It’s early and the shattering sounds so loud in the kitchen it almost makes _him_ jump. 

Quickly moving to pick up the shards, Kihyun hisses when he feels one of the pieces slice through his finger.

“ _Fuck._ ” He mutters, leaning over to the sink, careful to not step on the glass and running water over the cut, frowning at the sting of cold and progressively growing squeamish at the crimson red swirling down the drain with the water.

“Kihyun, you okay?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun startles, looking over his shoulder to see the other man walking into the kitchen looking all kinds of sleepy as he takes in the scene in front of him.

“I’m fine, it’s just a little cut.” Kihyun offers, a tight smile on his face. “Sorry I woke you up.” He continues, glancing back to the sink and feeling his stomach twist at the sight of blood.

“Can I help?” Hoseok questions and Kihyun makes a sound of protest.

“Don’t walk in here, there’s glass everywhere and you’re barefoot.” He refuses when he sees Hoseok tiptoeing closer to him but the other man ignores him and stands next to him to look at his hand. 

“Are you sure it’s just a small cut? It looks like there’s a lot of blood.” Hoseok mutters, the last part said more to himself but Kihyun still hears him and clenches his teeth – he doesn’t need to be reminded.

“Yeah, I can see that.” He grouches, an uncomfortable heat rising in his chest.

“Come on.” Hoseok sighs, turning off the faucet and taking a paper towel to wrap around his finger and Kihyun swallows at how worried the other looks.

“Seriously, it’s okay. I can do it myself.” Kihyun mumbles when Hoseok starts cautiously pulling him toward the bathroom.

“That’s why it looks like you’re about to pass out.” Hoseok raises a brow at him and Kihyun purses his lips, a protest dying on his tongue when the elder sits him on the edge of the tub and grabs his other hand to hold the paper towel.

Kihyun keeps the pressure on the cut while Hoseok rummages through the cabinet to find their first aid kit before kneeling in front of him.

Hissing quietly, Kihyun looks away when Hoseok disinfects the wound but he still finds himself feeling thankful at the gentle lecture he’s receiving about needing to be careful.

“You were always the one to do this for me.” Kihyun almost whispers, thinking back of the few times he’s injured himself glancing back at the way Hoseok is making sure there aren’t any tiny shard of glass stuck in his finger. “I always hated blood.” He admits almost bashfully.

“Then why did you say you were fine?” Hoseok wonders out loud, a slight frown on his face as he wraps a band-aid tightly around the injury and Kihyun observes that he’s somehow taking a long time to let go of his hand.

Kihyun shrugs at the question, actually unsure of why himself. Maybe it’s something along the lines of not wanting to be a burden to the elder.

“Kihyun.” Hoseok starts, trying to catch his gaze and Kihyun bites on the inside of his cheek, suddenly feeling small under the other’s stare. “If you want me to remember how we were before maybe you should start acting the way you did before the accident.” He pushes and Kihyun feels his chest tighten at that.

How much he wishes he could do exactly that.

He knows Hoseok doesn’t know. He knows he can’t put this blame on him but he can’t help the slight bitterness from rising in his chest and he schools his face in a neutral expression.

“You’re right.” Kihyun forces a smile and he knows it doesn’t go unnoticed when Hoseok’s eyes stay searching but he seems to understand that he shouldn’t keep pushing. “Thank you for this.” He still says because no matter how irritated he is, he knows Hoseok is trying his best. “I should clean up the glass.”

 

 

It’s almost another two weeks until Kihyun takes up Changkyun on his offer to hang out. Jooheon can’t make it but the two of them still go out and grab something to eat before going to a nice pub they stumbled upon a while before for a drink or two.

It’s nothing much but it feels exactly like what Kihyun needed. They laugh and talk about nothing and everything at the same time because this is something Chankgyun is good at.

Kihyun also isn’t worrying about Hoseok because Hyungwon and Minhyuk are both keeping him company and Kihyun can only imagine the two bickering about everything and it sort of puts a fond smile on his face.

And when he gets home a little past midnight, a warm buzz under his skin from the alcohol, Kihyun quietly toes off his boots and hangs his jacket before curiously walking to the living room where he can hear voices and the sound of the TV.

_“I’ve known I was into guys since I was like fourteen, you know that.”_

Kihyun stops at Hoseok’s voice because it sounds almost confused.

_“Right.”_ Someone squeaks and Kihyun is pretty damn sure that’s Minhyuk’s voice.

When it falls almost too quiet after that, Kihyun decides to walk into the living room and let his presence be known because whatever the two were talking about has definitely made the atmosphere tense. 

“Hey guys.” Kihyun greets, the two men sitting on the couch turn to him, both looking like they were caught doing something they shouldn’t. And maybe usually Kihyun would have asked questions but he’s kind of sleepy after spending the evening out and he hasn’t drunk in a while and he can feel it making him a lot more mellow.

“Kihyun! Hey!” Minhyuk says loudly and Kihyun raises a brow at him when his friend hurriedly stands up. “I was just leaving to go to sleep! Got a big day tomorrow!” Minhyuk adds brightly as he rushes to grab his things, giving him half a hug and usually Kihyun would know something is wrong right away because Minhyuk is clingy when it comes to hugs but he can barely manage a snort – and call him an idiot under his breath.

Kihyun shakes his head and finally turns back to Hoseok, noticing how quiet he’s been through Minhyuk’s short shenanigan. He also notices how the TV is on an unfished match of mortal kombat and he takes a mental note to ask Minhyuk what this was all about later on once he’s not feeling so warm and fuzzy inside.

“Hey you.” He smiles at Hoseok instead, sitting on the arm of the couch and wondering about the inquisitive look on his face. “How was your day? I thought Hyungwon was here too.” He adds as an afterthought, shooting a look around to make sure the other isn’t passed out somewhere and Hoseok hums.

“He was. He left a while ago saying something about having to be up early.” He shrugs and Kihyun can’t help but think he looks a little preoccupied. “I had fun though. Him and Minhyuk are really something together.” He chuckles and Kihyun smiles.

Until it starts faltering when Hoseok keeps staring at him.

“Is there something bothering you?” He questions, sliding down onto the couch next to him and Hoseok gingerly looks away for a moment.

“It’s…nevermind.” He quickly cuts himself off and Kihyun tilts his head at the soft blush on his cheeks, scooting closer to him and prodding his arm with the tip of his finger, thinking maybe if he’s annoying enough Hoseok will talk.

“You can tell me.” He offers quietly and Hoseok glances back at him and Kihyun can’t help but let his eyes wander over the other’s features.

He’s kind of really missed being able to just look at him.

“My parents…” He mumbles and Kihyun feels like he’s suddenly been drenched in icy water. The simple words are almost too sobering. “Did I ever own up to them?” He asks vaguely and Kihyun doesn’t if he should tell him the truth or let him be hopeful for a bit longer.

“About what?” He replies but even he can tell from the tone of his voice that he already knows what Hoseok is referring to. 

“About me being gay.” The elder clarifies still and Kihyun gives him an apologetic smile and decides to be honest. He figures, in the end, it would only hurt Hoseok if he lied.

“Yeah…You did.” He admits, voice hushed as he brings his knees up and rests his cheek on his knee, eyes searching the other’s face. 

Kihyun had been there. To this day it’s still something he regrets. He had basically given his boyfriend an ultimatum about coming out to his parents.

They were both still in college, stressed out with finals and Kihyun just couldn’t hold back his feelings anymore. How he sometimes felt like he was Hoseok’s shameful secret. How he hated being his boyfriend only behind closed doors.

Hoseok had been so shocked about his confession that he immediately started apologizing and promising to come clean to his parents.

Once he had calmed down and took a breather, Kihyun realized the pressure he put his boyfriend under and that those weren’t his true feelings. He knew Hoseok would come out in time and he’d be there to support him but it was too late. Hoseok had turned up to his apartment with red eyes, a busted lip and a weary smile with bags haphazardly put together.

“It’s basically when we started living together.” Kihyun skirts around the truth, remembering how cramped it had been along with his three other roommates It was far from ideal but they made it through and he’s not seeing the point of going into details and bringing that kind of memories back.

“I figured…When they never showed up at the hospital…I just couldn’t bring myself to ask.” Hoseok says and Kihyun closes his eyes because he didn’t even think of that. “At least my brother came around.” He mumbles and Kihyun can see he’s deep in thoughts.

He’s gotten so used to them not being part of their life that he never thought about the fact that Hoseok doesn’t have any recollection of living through that.

A small part of him is thankful for it.

Opening his eyes again after a moment when he feels a stare on him, Kihyun finds that Hoseok has mirrored his position and is now looking at him.

“Is there something on my face?” Kihyun mutters, blinking slowly and Hoseok glances away but Kihyun can almost see the storm raging inside of him and he’s not sure if they should talk more or leave it to that.

“Earlier Minhyuk was just…” He trails off and Kihyun waits patiently for him to continue but Hoseok quickly shakes his head. “He was being weird and a sore loser.” He finishes, glancing toward the screen where the two fighters are still facing each other, their health bar not even halfway down and Kihyun takes that as his cue to drop the conversation. 

He can feel it’s obvious something else happened but he can feel Hoseok might clamp up if he pushes anymore,

“Alright then, I’ll go take a shower.” Kihyun sighs loudly through a yawn and Hoseok nods standing up too to put the game away and turn off the TV.

Kihyun takes his time showering and going through his nightly routine, the nice buzz of alcohol leaving place to a tiredness that seeps deeply into his bones and he drags his feet out of the bathroom, expecting Hoseok to have gone to bed already.

The lights are turned off in the kitchen and living room so it catches Kihyun’s attention when he sees the sliver of light coming from the slightly opened door of the bedroom. 

Kihyun hesitates for a moment, thinking maybe Hoseok would rather not be disturbed but he reasons the other would have closed the door if that were the case – and curiosity gets the better of him.

Shuffling toward the bedroom, Kihyun gently taps two knuckles on it, more to announce his presence than anything as he leans against the doorframe. Hoseok offers him a smile from where he’s sitting on the bed.

“What are you doing still up?” Kihyun asks and Hoseok shrugs.

“I got curious again.” He replies and Kihyun peers closer inside the room and hides a smile when he realizes Hoseok is going through the pictures he put together once more.

“I’m glad you’re appreciating my hard work.” He chuckles, trying to pass off just how much this means to him, walking closer and when he stands next to the bed, Hoseok looks up at him and shifts more toward the middle of the mattress in a silent invitation to join him.

Kihyun sits down next to him and crosses his legs, knees brushing together as he leans in to peep at which picture Hoseok is looking at.

“Who’s that?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun smiles a little.

“Hyunwoo. You’ve been calling him your gym soulmate for a while now.” He laughs quietly, remembering how happy Hoseok had been to have found someone who didn’t give up in the middle of a workout and who kept up with him. “He came around the hospital after the accident but when he learned what happened he said he’d wait around if you ever wanted to go back with him,” Kihyun explains and Hoseok hums.

“It’s weird…” Hoseok breathes, fingers ghosting over the page and Kihyun waits patiently for him to continue, eyelids heavy with fatigue but not wanting to pass on the other talking to him like this. “I don’t remember the years of work I’ve put into myself but it’s like my body remembers it?” He tries to explain with a frown and Kihyun doesn’t quite get it but at the same time, it sort of makes sense.

“You used to work out basically everyday…maybe it has to do with muscle memory or something.” He shrugs and Hoseok nods.

“Yeah probably.” He agrees.

They spend a few more minutes like this. Hoseok asking questions about people and places and Kihyun answering him the best he can. It’s nice and relaxed and he hasn’t felt such a pleasant atmosphere between them in what feels like too long that he almost forgets and leans against Hoseok’s side, chin falling on his shoulder.

“You should go to bed, I’m sorry for keeping you up so late.” Hoseok laughs quietly and Kihyun moves back. Hoseok probably thinks he’s falling asleep on him.

“It’s okay, I know you have a hard time going to sleep sometimes.” He says, his voice laced with sleepiness.

Kihyun blinks slowly when the other simply continues to stare at him. There’s something about his eyes that he can’t quite pinpoint. It’s a look that’s not quite loving but something close to that with an almost sad glint to it and Kihyun feels his chest squeeze a little. He averts his eyes, unsure of the feeling slowly bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

“You’ve been staring at me quite a lot tonight.” He mutters, trying for his voice to sound playful but Hoseok just smiles and keeps looking, eyes turning softer and Kihyun wants to ask what’s up with him but words die on his tongue when Hoseok lightly taps the tip of his nose with his finger.

“I never realized how many moles you have on your face,” Hoseok says instead, eyes jumping from his cheeks and nose to his forehead where his slightly damp hair his pushed back and Kihyun can feel blood rushing to his cheeks.

He doesn’t know how to deal with how flustered he's suddenly become.

Hoseok would always tell him how much he loves them. How much they look like little stars making a constellation on his face. He would often trace them with the tip of his finger or press kisses to them and it would always give Kihyun the warmest feeling in his chest and push his mouth into the fondest grin.

“You should try to get some sleep.” Kihyun barely holds back a stutter, slowly stretching his legs and getting up because he doesn’t trust himself to say anything else.

He’s too tired and this is bringing to many soft and loving feelings. He can feel his filter wearing thin and he doesn’t want to risk saying something that would make Hoseok uncomfortable.

“You too.” Hoseok hums, placing the book on the bedside table. “Goodnight Kihyun.” He smiles and Kihyun returns it before making his way back to the guest room.

 

 

“What’s up with you?”

Kihyun lifts his head from the lunch he packed that morning to look at Changkyun and hums questioningly. 

“You look sad. Like more than you have for a while now.” Changkyun clarifies. “I thought you’ve been doing better.” He mutters unsurely and Kihyun shrugs.

“I’m fine.” He says and instantly knows Changkyun isn’t buying it with the single eyebrow raise he gives him.

Kihyun realizes that maybe mushing his food around like a picky child and the silence he’s been in since they went on lunch break might be giving him away.

“Did something happen at home?” Changkyun asks hesitantly and Kihyun knows what he’s really asking is if something happened with Hoseok.

“No, things are actually good…I think.” He mumbles and Changkyun blinks at him.

“You think?” He parrots and Kihyun sighs.

“I mean, he still doesn’t remember anything about me and sometimes he’s kind of in his own world but he’s…acting differently.” Kihyun tries to explain, himself being unsure of how to explain things.

“What do you mean?” The younger asks curiously, deeming the subject safe to talk about.

“I don’t know…He’s somehow nicer?” Kihyun starts, pushing his lunch aside because he’s obviously not going to eat any more of it. “It kind of…makes it harder to keep the whole we’re just roommates thing up…And I’ve caught him staring at me a lot this past week like he’s in deep thoughts or something…Like I actually mean something to him, I don’t know.” He mumbles out the last part, feeling silly for maybe seeing too much into nothing but Changkyun hums.

“Maybe he’s falling in love with you again.” Changkyun smiles and Kihyun huffs in a way to hide how the thought is making his heart do small flips in his ribcage.

“Shut up.” He grumbles, throwing a balled up napkin at his coworker.

“No, think about it. That guy had been grossly in love with you for like years. Why wouldn’t he fall for you all over again? The whole thing is just progressing faster since you’re living together and all.” Changkyun pushes, making Kihyun bite his lower lip, chest squeezing with a little too much discomfort.

“Don’t do that.” Kihyun voices. “Don’t make me get my hopes up.” He adds quietly and Changkyun falls silent before he reaches over and grabs his hand.

“You need to be a little more optimistic.” He encourages gently and Kihyun breathes in deeply. The image is nice but he’s having a hard time seeing the bright side of things.

“What about our past? Everything we went through together in the past few years? I haven’t even brought myself to tell him what really happened with his parents.” He frets and Changkyun squeezes his hand trying to bring some sort of comfort.

“You’re talking like he’ll never remember.” The younger scolds him without any bite and Kihyun looks back at him.

“But what if he doesn’t?” He insists and he can already feel it. The burning at the back of his eyes and the tingling at the tip of his nose. He hates feeling so helpless in all of this but he refuses to let himself to cry again.

It’s like he’s barely become a shadow of his confident self and he hates it.

“If he doesn’t, and that’s a big if, you’ll get to make more memories with him. New ones.” 

“You make it sound so simple.” Kihyun sighs, freeing his hand and pushing his fingers into the corner of his eyes before dropping his forehead on the table with a dull thud.

“Maybe it’s because I’m obviously not concerned as personally as you are with the situation but there’s nothing you can really do about it so why be negative?”

Kihyun groans quietly, pondering for a moment if he should talk to his friend or keep the words that have been burning his tongue since earlier to himself. Keeping his eyes closed, Kihyun takes a few more gulps of air before making up his mind.

“I was going to propose to Hoseok today.” He drops after a minute of silence and he can hear the other stop moving completely and he briefly wonders if he should’ve kept quiet.

“You were _what?_ ” Changkyun hisses, reaching over to grab Kihyun’s face between his palms and lift his head up.

“I was going to ask him to marry me.” He mumbles, cheeks squished in Changkyun’s hands. “It’s our anniversary.” He adds and he can see the worry on the younger’s face being shadowed by disbelief for a second.

“Kihyun.” He urges and Kihyun almost feels like he’s about to get lectured. “What are you doing here? You should’ve stayed home today.” He reasons and Kihyun admits that he thought about it but then he’d have to spend the day with Hoseok and he wasn’t sure he could do that.

“Maybe I should have.” He sighs anyways, straightening his posture and leaning back in his seat.

“Why don’t you take the afternoon off? I’ll say you’re not feeling well. You barely take any sick days anyway.” Changkyun frets and Kihyun finds himself smiling a little despite the situation because it’s rare to see the younger acting like this.

“Alright.” He agrees easily, knowing his head isn’t into work right now.

After packing the remnants of his lunch, Kihyun thanks Changkyun and briefly hugs him before making his way home. It’s drawing closer to Christmas and it’s snowing lightly so he buries his face in his scarf and picks up his pace. 

Kihyun is so busy, trying to escape the cold and keeping his head down to shield himself that he almost bumps Hoseok when he reaches the door, the other man coincidentally arriving at the same time.

“Oh hey.” He shoots a short smile at him and urges Hoseok to unlock the door because he already has his keys in his hand.

“Hey, I thought you were going to be at work for a few more hours.” He says, letting the both of them inside and Kihyun only then notices the bag in his hand, the other probably coming back from running some errands, before shucking his coat off.

“I was feeling a little under the weather,” Kihyun says vaguely, dusting snowflakes from his hair and pulling the sleeves of his sweater to warm his freezing fingers.

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok asks caringly and Kihyun stops because he can’t quite tell him the truth.

“Nothing much, I just couldn’t focus.” He settles on, not too far from reality and Hoseok hums. “What were you up to?” He asks, hoping to steer the subject away and Hoseok perks up as if suddenly remembering what he was planning before. 

“I was going to dye my hair.” He declares, giving a bashful smile and Kihyun chuckles because his roots have definitely grown quite a lot since the accident.

“Want me to help?” He offers, having been the one to do his hair for a long time now but Hoseok raises a brow.

“Are you sure you’re up for it?” He questions and Kihyun nods, reaching for the bag in the other’s hand.

“I almost miss the smell of bleach.” He snorts but Hoseok, rubs the back of his neck almost sheepishly.

“I’m not keeping the blond.” He clarifies and Kihyun tilts his head before peeking into the bag.

“Black?” He mutters more to himself.

“Ever since I woke up…This blond has never really felt like me?” Hoseok explains and Kihyun listens patiently because it’s obvious he has more to say. “It’s weird…It’s just a hair color and maybe it’s because I don’t remember making the decision but it just doesn’t feel like something I’d do.” He finishes and Kihyun offers him a gentle smile.

“It’s okay, it’s your head you should do whatever you want.” He reassures, deciding to not talk about the array of colors he went through over the years and Hoseok smiles. “Plus it’s been so long since I’ve seen you with black hair. I’m sure it’s going to be a nice change.” He adds, motioning for Hoseok to get inside the bathroom.

Laying out the products and getting everything ready, Kihyun realizes this is something he kind of missed doing and when he reaches into the towel cabinet, he quickly finds the one they always use for hair dyeing. 

Turning to face Hoseok sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Kihyun falters a little when he sees the way the elder is looking at him, almost as if he’s examining him.

“I just realized I’m glad you’re here because I would have no idea how to do this.” Hoseok laughs softly and Kihyun feels a flutter in his chest.

“Ever after years of seeing me doing it, you would always insist I do it for you because I somehow did it better.” He chuckles, wrapping the towel around Hoseok’s shoulders and clipping it at the front.

“Somehow I don’t doubt that.” Hoseok voices as he fiddles with his newly acquired phone to put some music on and Kihyun holds back from asking him to explain what he means and simply offers him a knowing smile.

After putting on gloves, Kihyun laughs at the confusion on Hoseok’s face when he spread petroleum jelly along his hairline. He forgot Hoseok only first dyed his hair a while after they started dating.

“It’s so you don’t end up with your skin stained.” He chuckles and Hoseok hums but doesn’t add anything when Kihyun puts some on his ears too, the skin turning a deep red.

Kihyun would usually tease him about how sensitive to the touch his ears have always been but now he simply tries to hide a smile with a short cough in the crook of his elbow and starts applying the dye.

Working methodically and in sections, it isn’t long before Kihyun is focused on the task and not really taking in what he’s doing or the fact that he hasn’t seen Hoseok with dark hair in years.

“You’ve got a nice voice.” 

Kihyun is snapped out of his thought to find Hoseok looking up at him all soft and content and Kihyun hadn’t even realized he started singing along to the song playing until now. Clearing his throat, Kihyun isn’t sure if the warmth on his face is caused by the look he’s given or him realizing how close he’s standing to make sure he’s covering the top of the other’s head properly. 

“I’ve always loved singing.” He says, turning toward the sink and placing the empty bowl and brush to wash them once he’s done.

“I can clean up since you did all the work.” Hoseok offers, standing up to stand next to him but Kihyun bumps him away lightly with his hip.

“It’s alright, I’m the one wearing the gloves. Just make sure you don’t touch anything with your head for the next thirty minutes.” He chuckles, making sure no dye splashes anywhere.

Hoseok sits back down on the tub with a pout and Kihyun admits to himself that following Changkyun’s advice and coming home has made him feel a lot better – it’s only when Hoseok crosses his arms over his chest that something occurs to him.

“Oh…” He mutters, hands freezing on putting away the clean bowl. “I hope this isn’t a shirt you care about.” He says and Hoseok frowns for a moment before he seems to understand.

“Well shit.” He mutters and Kihyun laughs, only slightly feeling bad for forgetting to tell him to change into an old shirt. But on his defense, he’s used to the other just not wearing one whenever they’d do his hair.

“You’ve got about twenty minutes left to figure it out before you have to wash the dye out.” Kihyun shoots before leaving the bathroom, chuckling at the whining he can still hear through the door.

Kihyun lets out a short sigh as he drops on the couch, thinking back to the conversation he had with Changkyun earlier. About making new memories and possibilities of falling in love again. Kihyun knows he shouldn’t hope too much. He knows he’d only be setting himself to crash down harder when things don’t turn out the way he wants them too. But at the same time, he can’t help it. 

He can’t help the warmth spreading inside of him at the thought. The little bit of hope from blooming in his chest when easy moments like this have been happening more often recently.

Kihyun is so lost in thoughts – Thoughts about the way things could be. Thoughts about the engagement ring still hidden in the guest bedroom – that he only faintly registers the shower running followed by the hair drying working for only a little bit.

Blinking out of his head when he hears the bathroom door open, Kihyun almost chokes on his saliva when the other walks out, wearing only sweatpants and holding his shirt in his hand. While Kihyun had been used to Hoseok’s shamelessness when it comes to nudity before, ever since the accident, the elder had been covering up a lot more and he wasn’t expecting this. It’s easy to see that he’s lost quite a bit of muscle mass but Kihyun also suddenly suspects him to be sneaking into their home gym while he’s at work.

“This shirt is definitely ruined.” Hoseok sighs and Kihyun’s eyes flick up, flush going up all the way to his ears because he definitely stared too much.

Once he does look at him again, Kihyun holds his breath because the black Hoseok chose apparently has a faint midnight blue hue to it and he’s suddenly reminded of how pretty Hoseok looks with dark hair. The contrast stark with how pale his skin has always been and he looks so different than what he’s been used to for so long but it also feels so familiar at the same time.

“It looks nice on you.” Kihyun smiles, Hoseok offering him a content smile, ruffling the still damp strands as he reaches for his hoodie that had been laying around on the arm of the couch and pulling it over his head.

Kihyun feels his fingers hitch at how soft and cute the other looks and he wants nothing more than to be able to run his hands through his hair.

“Thanks, you really did a good job.” Hoseok compliments, dropping on the couch next to him and leaving the stained shirt on the coffee table and Kihyun laughs fondly.

He should definitely focus on making new memories, at least for now.

 

 

Kihyun knows he’s dragging his feet when he’s walking back from work. He knows he would normally scowl at himself for doing so but right now he’s just downright exhausted. It’s late at night and he spent the last three days catching up on the work he’d been slacking off on for the past two months, and while he’s satisfied and feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, his hours of sleep have been few and sparse.

Pushing the door open, Kihyun enters the apartment and carelessly kicks off his boots, something that would usually irk him, and decides to keep his coat and scarf for a few extra minutes to soak in the warmth. 

Kihyun shuffles toward the living room where he can faintly hear the sound of the TV still on, but when he gets there he can see Hoseok swaddled on a large hoodie and sweatpants, his glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and his dark hair a little disheveled like he’d been taking a nap. All reminders of just how late it is. 

“Hey. I was waiting for you.” Hoseok greets him, voice thick with sleep as he places his phone next to him and Kihyun offers him an apologetic smile.

“You should’ve gone to bed.” He chastises fondly, finally taking off his coat and scarf when he feels his body start to warm up again. 

Kihyun isn’t sure if it’s out of old habit or because of a lapse in judgment but he drags his feet to the couch and lets himself fall over the armrest on his back and places his head on the other’s lap. Closing his eyes as he does so, it’s only when he feels Hoseok’s body momentarily tense up that he himself freezes and his eyes open almost comically wide. 

Hurriedly sitting up, Kihyun turns to face Hoseok.

“I’m sorry! I was tired and I didn’t really thin – ”

Kihyun’s frantic apology is cut short by a hand on his mouth.

Falling silent, Kihyun stares at Hoseok with what he knows is a worried look, scared to have crossed a boundary but, while the elder looks a little surprised there’s definitely something warm and almost playful in his eyes that makes Kihyun feel a little less nervous.

“Is this something you used to do?” Hoseok asks as he lets his hand fall from his mouth and Kihyun looks away almost embarrassed before he gives a short nod.

“We were pretty close.” Kihyun offers quietly and he knows the answer is vague but there’s something unnerving about the look in Hoseok’s eyes. Like his words didn’t surprise him at all.

“Then it’s fine.” The elder smiles as he reaches over and grabs Kihyun’s shoulders to make him lie down again. “I told you, I don’t want you to act so careful around me anymore. I prefer being shocked or surprised than staying in the dark about things.” Hoseok explains, his words soft but their meaning firm and Kihyun feels a tiny bit of guilt coursing through him when he remembers Hoseok asking him a few days prior to no treat him so fragilely anymore.

Kihyun swallows thickly and blinks up at the other man, trying to ignore just how comfortable he is and how he can feel the warm press of his hand still resting on his shoulder because he wants to talk to him.

“Honestly, what changed?” Kihyun mutters. “Not that I’m complaining but, you know…” He adds quickly, not wanting Hoseok to think it’s a bad thing.

“I don’t know.” Hoseok shrugs. “I guess before I was weirded out because I was pretty much living with a stranger but now…I think I realized that even if I can’t remember it, you’re a part of my life and I’ve learned to accept it.” He speaks softly and Kihyun can’t help the smile from blooming on his face.

“Thank you.” He whispers honestly, and Hoseok returns it faintly.

“I should be the one thanking you. For you know...Being patient with me and not giving up when I was being an ass.” He chuckles a little shamefully and Kihyun reaches a hand up to flick his nose.

“Don’t. You had a pretty valid reason.” Kihyun counters, seeing Hoseok rub at the tip of his nose as he hums before he lets his eyes fall shut and links his fingers on his stomach.

Kihyun is on the verge of actually falling asleep, head still pillowed on the other’s thigh, the TV a distant buzzing lulling him when he feels fingers combing through his hair. Kihyun’s eyes flutter open again, eyelids heavy but he catches on how Hoseok is looking down at him curiously.

The elder’s hand halts for a second and Kihyun thinks he might see a faint blush on his cheeks at being caught, but it might also be his sleepless mind playing tricks on him. 

“Just sleep, you haven’t done that a lot these days.” Hoseok whispers, fingers massaging his scalp again and Kihyun can barely manage a hum before he’s drifting off for good this time.

 

When Kihyun wakes up again, it’s with a start. His heart jumping wildly in his chest and his breath short.

He realizes a second later that he’s sitting up on the couch and there are hands holding his face.

“Kihyun?”

Kihyun jumps at the voice even with how soft it is and he finally focuses his eyes on Hoseok’s worried face.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok prompts him to talk and Kihyun tries to clear his throat, reaching up with shaky fingers to remove the elder’s hands from his face because his own skin feels clammy and he feels like he’s suffocating a little.

“I’m okay.” He rasps, “Just a nightmare.” He mutters, finding himself unable to hold Hoseok’s gaze.

“Are you sure? You look pretty shaken up.” He insists but Kihyun nods.

“Just uh…give me a moment.” He sniffs, standing on wobbly legs and stumbling to the bathroom.

Kihyun gasps quietly when he splashes cold water on his face, hoping to wash away the remnant of whatever nightmare that was. He knows it had to do with Hoseok and the accident but he can’t quite recall the details and it’s getting fuzzier with every passing second.

“Get it together.” He mutters to himself, patting his face dry with a towel and taking a few deeps breathes. His hands have stopped shaking but there’s still this heavy feeling in his chest as he exits the bathroom.

As soon as he steps back into the living room, Hoseok is there, standing up and taking a few quick steps to plant himself in front of him and Kihyun’s breath gets stuck in his throat as he looks apprehensively at the other.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hoseok asks again and Kihyun feels fidgety under his stare. It feels like he’s trying to see right through him and Kihyun isn’t sure he would like what he’d find.

“I’m okay, it was just a nightmare.” He confirms again, forcing a weak smile but Hoseok still doesn’t look reassured.

Kihyun guesses it’s only normal with how frazzled he looked only a few minutes ago.

“Kihyun. You talked in your sleep.” Hoseok states as if trying to get his point across and Kihyun chews on his lip, wondering what exactly he might have said.

“Oh…” He breathes out, glancing away but immediately looking back toward the other man when he feels a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not going to leave, you know.” The elder almost whispers, his thumb brushing against the side of his neck and Kihyun feels his heart stutter in his chest. They’re standing so close and the words are spoken so genuinely that he doesn’t quite know what to say.

“I’m scared, you know?” Kihyun settles on, his voice strained with the effort to not let it waver. “Like one day you’ll be tired of trying to remember me and you’ll just leave to start over somewhere else.” He admits after a moment of hesitation, wondering if he should really tell Hoseok about his fears and feelings but deciding that he’s too tired to come up with something.

“What can I do to make you believe that I won’t do that?” Hoseok asks, squeezing his shoulder gently and Kihyun is reminded just how much he’s craving any sort of physical contact. “It’s hard looking you in the eyes and not fully knowing who you are, not knowing your favorite color or if you like summer or winter better or how you got that scar on your arm. It’s overwhelming because I’m sure I used to know all these things before. And honestly, I would hate myself if I gave up and just decided to leave without remembering anything about you.” He defiles in one breath and Kihyun can barely process all the words that have been thrown at him.

If he thinks about them too much he feels he’s going to completely break down.

“Can I…” Kihyun starts softly, the request on the tip of his tongue but he lowers his eyes and shakes his head to himself. “No, never mind.” He quickly mutters, sniffling quietly, intending to sidestep Hoseok to retreat to his room but the elder stands in front of him.

“What is it?” Hoseok insists, stopping him from escaping by slowly capturing his arm and holding his wrist.

Kihyun thinks shock is an understatement for what he’s feeling because this is probably the first time that Hoseok is so adamant about him talking. Biting his tongue for a second, Kihyun glances away from Hoseok’s eyes to look at his hand still holding his wrist, his grip firm but gentle.

“Can I hug you?” He finally asks, not an ounce of his usual confidence in his words.

Hoseok raises an eyebrow, almost like he expected Kihyun to ask for something much bigger or a lot more personal and Kihyun suddenly feels a little silly for making it to be such a big deal in his head. Like Hoseok would be disgusted or uncomfortable at the idea of being hugged by him when Kihyun had his head on his lap moments before.

“Is that really what you wanted to ask?” Hoseok questions and Kihyun nods, feeling heat flooding his face.

“You asked…You asked what you could do…” Kihyun trails off, and thankfully Hoseok seems to get the picture because right after he smiles somewhat bitterly and tugs on his wrist he’s still holding.

Kihyun lets out a quiet gasp when Hoseok presses their bodies together, wrapping bulky arms around his shoulders and it takes Kihyun a few seconds to snap out of it and pick up his own arms to wrap them around Hoseok’s waist.

Closing his eyes and pushing his face into Hoseok’s neck, Kihyun knows he might be playing with fire holding him this close but he missed it – Hoseok’s warmth, his scent and everything about the way their bodies always seemed to perfectly fit together. Like two pieces of a puzzle. He had missed it so much.

Kihyun admits to himself at that moment that he feels slightly overwhelmed. It’s been so long since he’s felt like this and he knows that on nights when loneliness is eating him up inside, he has to fight the urge to crawl back into their usually shared bed and hold onto the other to just forget for a few hours all that’s happened.

And right now he’s finally having a taste of what it feels like again. Kihyun knows it’s nothing compared to what they used to be but it’s also much more than he’s been expecting for the past months.

Swallowing thickly, Kihyun tries to hold back the sob he feels building deep inside of him but he knows that once the first tear rolls down, there no way he’s going to be able to hold back, so he simply wraps his arms tighter around Hoseok’s waist and pushes his face more against his neck to muffle any sound.

Kihyun barely registers the goosebumps rising on Hoseok’s skin when the elder moves his arms to start rubbing circles on his back and shushing him.

“It’s okay. I’ll stay with you as long as you need.” He reassures, the words spoken in his ear and Kihyun nods, trying to control his breathing, clenching his fists into Hoseok’s hoodie.

“I think I’ve cried more in front of you in the past month than for the past years. I promise I’m usually really not that much of an emotional person.” He tries to say lightly but his voice is weak and wobbly.

“It’s okay I know I am.” Hoseok chuckles softly.

Kihyun feels himself smiling a little because he knows Hoseok has probably shed a few tears of his own when he hears a short sniff. Hoseok has always been such a compassionate and warm-hearted person and he taught Kihyun so much about being in touch with his own feelings over the years – this is mostly why Kihyun doesn’t question him being okay with having him crying on his shoulder and hugging him for longer than what is considered normal. 

Kihyun has no idea how long they stand there in the middle of their living room in an embrace. What he knows is that his tears have stopped, his eyelids are getting heavy with sleep and his arms are loosely but surely still holding Hoseok’s waist. The one things he knows is that it’s comfortable. Hoseok’s arms having gone back around his shoulders and his chin is resting on his own forearm.

They only part when Kihyun can’t hold back a yawn and Hoseok lets his hands trail down his arms as they move back, but his unsure smile is accompanied by a small frown.

“Did you lose weight?” He asks almost absent-mindedly and Kihyun freezes completely.

“Yeah…I’ve been pretty stressed out.” He stutters truthfully, not expecting the question. “How did you know?” He wonders out loud, his fists having clenched back onto Hoseok’s hoodie.

“You feel…” Hoseok starts, frown deepening, obviously not too sure how to word himself. “You feel different…skinnier.”

“Skinnier from what?” Kihyun asks, not missing a beat, suddenly fully alert.

“I don’t know.” The elder answers back just as fast, looking just as confused as Kihyun feels.

“Hoseok. Do you remember anything?”


	2. PART II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this was supposed to be a 2 part fic but it got too long! also i will try to not take 2 months to post the last part aksldajfl

_Body memory_.

That’s the conclusion they come up with when Hoseok is completely positive he isn’t actually remembering anything. That it’s probably something he feels inside of him – something he can’t explain.

Kihyun tries his best to hide the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, the disappointment from showing on his face but he knows he’s doing a poor job at it. 

“I’m sorry…” Hoseok apologizes weakly and Kihyun hates seeing that guilty expression on his face as he immediately shakes his head.

“Don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault.” He reassures firmly despite the hurt in his chest because he knows Hoseok doesn’t have any control over this. “I just…for a second I started hoping I was maybe getting you back.” Kihyun smiles a little bitterly before reaching out and squeezing Hoseok’s hand for a second, intending on side-stepping the other man and retreating to his bedroom for the night.

“Kihyun.” Hoseok calls before he can turn around and Kihyun looks back at him, unsure of what to make of the sudden determination filling the other’s eyes.

“Yes?” Kihyun whispers when he stays silent but Hoseok shoots a furtive glance to the side and just like that the look is gone from his eyes and he’s the one taking a step back.

“Uh –goodnight.” He mumbles quickly before scurrying to the bedroom.

Kihyun stays in place for a moment, frowning to himself because it’s so obvious that Hoseok had wanted to tell him something but backed out at the last moment.

Letting out a quiet sigh, Kihyun rubs at his face tiredly, his body suddenly reminding him of his prior exhaustion and he slowly turns off the lights, halfheartedly going through his nightly routine before letting himself fall on his bed. He tries to ignore the muted sounds coming from the other bedroom, telling him that Hoseok still hasn’t gone to sleep.

 

 

“Hey Kihyun?” Hoseok asks one evening while they’re doing the dishes. Kihyun hums lightly showing that he’s listening as he keeps scrubbing the dirty plate. 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon came over for dinner, the two having been banished to the living room after splashing water everywhere and almost destroying their Christmas decorations so it’s only the two of them in the kitchen. 

They had cooked together and while Kihyun did do a good amount of fretting over Hyungwon’s questionable methods of cooking and Minhyuk’s way of handling knives, the whole thing definitely put him in a good mood. The conversations had flowed easily too and he feels light.

Hoseok keeps quiet for another moment, drying the plate he’s holding and putting it away and Kihyun briefly wonders if he has anything at all to ask or if he’s just trying to keep talking to him – either way, the thought makes him smile.

“What kind of work did I do before?” He asks and maybe it’s because Kihyun is feeling light and a little playful but he acts a frown and turns to him.

“What do you mean?” Kihyun fakes confusion and Hoseok blinks at him, clearly returning the feeling.

“Well since I’ve woken up I’ve been doing pretty much nothing but staying here with you and sometimes Minhyuk and Hyungwon or go to my doctor’s appointments… I was wondering what job I used to do before the accident.” He explains, taking the pan Kihyun hands him.

“Nothing.” Kihyun sighs. “You’ve been working out and living off of me for a few years.” Kihyun plays, almost impressed by being able to keep a serious face when Hoseok looks at him in utter shock.

“Please tell me you’re lying.” He pleads and a part of Kihyun wants to keep playing him but he can’t stop the corners of his mouth from going up and an amused laugh from leaving him.

“I’m sorry it was too easy.” He chuckles and Hoseok glares weakly before reaching into the sink and scooping up some foam to smear it on his cheek.

Kihyun pulls his tongue at him as he wipes the suds away, his smile turning soft as he goes back to washing the few dishes left.

“You worked as a physical therapist. Mostly for college athletes.” Kihyun tells him, the proudness he feels whenever he thinks about just how many people he’s helped in a few years forcing a smile to stay on his face. “You always said it was the perfect job for you because you’re too soft-hearted to be a personal trainer or something.” He chuckles as he remembers Hoseok’s words from years ago.

“That sounds like that kind of work I would love.” Hoseok smiles softly and Kihyun finds himself staring a little too intently, trying to understand how strange it must feel to not know what you’ve worked toward for years – he refrains himself from mentioning the possibly lost forever years of study too.

He’s only snapped out of it when he hears yelling coming from the living room and looks over to see their friends definitely being a tad too competitive at whatever game they’re playing.

Kihyun clears his throat and gives Hoseok an exasperated smile when the other man shrugs at their antics. Kihyun knows he’s been slipping up a lot more these days, since that one evening and he’s been finding himself to just want to tell Hoseok everything.

Pulling the plug from the sink, Kihyun takes the towel from Hoseok’s hand and dries his hand, wondering if they should join their friends in the living room or if maybe the elder still wants to talk.

“I can almost hear you thinking from here.” Hoseok laughs, poking his side and Kihyun feels himself blush at being caught, knowing he was definitely stalling a little.

Leaning back against the counter, Hoseok crosses his arms over his chest and looks back at him with a pensive look – Kihyun can only patiently wait for him to speak up again.

“I think I should go back soon.” He declares after a minute and Kihyun raises a brow.

“Back to work?” He questions, more than surprised and Hoseok hums.

“Maybe just to…wherever I used to work? Maybe it would help to see the place? I don’t know.” He shrugs but Kihyun thinks he gets it. He thinks he’d want to see the rest of his life too if he couldn’t remember. 

“I think that’s a great idea.” Kihyun voices, smiling softly.

“Oh! Also, I meant to ask you,” Hoseok says suddenly and Kihyun chuckles because he’s most definitely missed how talkative the other can be when he’s in a good mood. “When is your birthday?” He asks and Kihyun blinks in surprise, unsure why this was the last question he expected.

“November 22nd.” He answers, motioning for them to joins their friends in the living room but Hoseok halts looking all kind of betrayed.

“But that’s over three weeks ago.” He deadpans. He pouts. And Kihyun is very strongly reminded how weak he’s always been for that face in particular.

“Listen, we still weren’t that close again at the time.” He shoots, trying to not show how flustered he feels as he pulls the elder into the living room.

“How come nobody told me?” Hoseok says, words directed toward the two men on their couch and Minhyuk shrugs, eyes still on the screen.

“Kihyun didn’t want us to talk about it.” Hyungwon offers and Kihyun pinches the bridge of his nose, considering throwing the two out of their apartment.

“He usually makes a big deal out of it after my birthday passes,” Minhyuk says and Kihyun glares at him.

While Minhyuk’s words are true, the tradition of him making a big deal out of his birthday comes from people always lumping the two of them together as one big party and how after he met Hoseok, learned that the other loved to spoil him on said day and he suddenly feels somewhat too exposed.

“Can the two of you shut up?” He groans, dropping on the couch and ignoring Minhyuk’s protests because he’s apparently impairing his playing.

“Why don’t we go out for a belated birthday night?” Hoseok proposes, sitting on the arm of the couch and Kihyun looks at him because the other really keeps on surprising him these days.

“You now have my undivided attention,” Minhyuk says calmly, pausing the game and placing the controller down and Kihyun snorts.

“Oh I’m not sure, it’s just an idea.” Hoseok mumbles when all eyes are on him and he shoots a look at Hyungwon and Kihyun follows his eyes, smiling at the encouraging look the younger is giving him. “Maybe something like a karaoke night?” He offers and Kihyun knows he perks up at the idea but Minhyuk chuckles before he can say anything.

“Look at you, you already know your way to this man’s heart.” He coos playfully and Kihyun’s heart stammers in his chest at Minhyuk’s implications but then he realizes that it can totally be meant in a friendly way too – he decides to gloss over the way Hoseok avoids his eyes and his cheeks color.

“Whatever, I’m in, it sounds like fun.” Hyungwon speaks before any sort of heavy tension can settle in the living room and Kihyun is so thankful for him.

“We should ask Hyunwoo to join that man is wild when it comes to dancing and singing.” Minhyuk and Kihyun nod, remembering how amused he had been the first time he saw him truly let loose.

“I could ask Changkyun too, he’ll definitely drag Jooheon along,” Kihyun says pensively before turning to look at Hoseok again. “Would you be okay being with three people you don’t know?” He asks and Hoseok looks caught off guard for a second before his face dissolves into a smile and he ruffles Kihyun’s hair.

“This is for your birthday, you should have the people you want there. Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine with you there.” He reassures and Kihyun nods, looking back toward Minhyuk and feeling a flush creeping up his cheeks at the entirely too amused look on his face.

“How long has it been since we’ve gotten drunk anyways?” Minhyuk sighs loudly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and Kihyun pushes him off with a roll of his eyes.

“You don’t even drink.” He counters.

“Yeah, by ‘we’ I meant you. You’re fun when you’re smashed.” He laughs and Hyunwon joins him and Kihyun feels sweat gathering at the back of his neck – these two definitely have too much dirt on him that he’d rather not have spilled all at once. 

 

 

“This is unnecessary.” Kihyun comments, lounging back on his bed as Minhyuk rummages through his closet.

“You’ve got so many nice clothes but no style, let me help you for once.” Minhyuk says, voice muffled from how far he’s searching and Kihyun can’t even find it in himself to get offended by that because it’s true – he’s never been the best at coordinating his outfits.

“We’re just going to a karaoke, it’ll make me look like I’m trying too hard.” He complains when Minhyuk resurfaces with clothes draped over his forearm.

“You’re so dramatic, I’m not putting you into sparkly tassels, I just want you to look nice.” Minhyuk huffs and Kihyun is tempted to just leave and join the other three in the living room – Changkyun and Jooheon joining them directly at the karaoke place – almost jealous of the easy laughter heard through the closed door.

“Whatever.” Kihyun mutters, knowing there’s no point in arguing with his friend over this.

“Plus, I saw the way Hoseok was looking at you the other day and even today. Maybe he just needs a little push to remember what he’s missing.” He says and Kihyun blinks.

“Min. He doesn’t even know he had any of me at some point.” Kihyun replies almost robotically and a look of recognition ghosts over MInhyuk’s face before he shakes his head.

“Just put this on.” He forces the clothes against his chest and Kihyun huffs before looking down.

At least it’s all black so he won’t feel like he’s drawing too much unwanted attention to himself.

“A little privacy?” Kihyun raises a brow when Minhyuk stands there with his arms crossed over his chest and his friend rolls his eyes.

“I’ve seen you butt naked more times than I’d like to admit.” He shoots but still turns around to hang back the clothes that didn’t make the cut.

Kihyun quickly changes and while the ripped skinny jeans are nice and hug his legs just right, he still frowns at his reflection because the black button-down looks a little too dressed-up.

“This is what you had in mind?” He questions and Minhyuk turns back to him, heaving a loud sigh.

“Are you trying to relive your choir boy days?” He frets. “Roll up your sleeves and undo a few buttons, you have a nice chest, put it out there.” He explains and Kihyun reluctantly does as he’s told.

He kind of hates Minhyuk for knowing how good this makes him look.

“Much better. Now come here.” Minhyuk grins and Kihyun can see he’s holding something and when he steps closer, the taller man clasps a choker around his neck. It’s a simple black velvet band but it completes the look so much.

“You’re sure this isn’t too much?” Kihyun still questions when Minhyuk pushes his hair back and styles it messily.

“You know I don’t compliment you often so you better appreciate it. You look amazing and you need to stop worrying and just enjoy your night.” He pushes and Kihyun gives a tight but thankful smile.

He knows no matter how much they bicker and annoy each other, Minhyuk will always be there to help him.

“Are you two finally ready?” Hyungwon asks as soon as they walk into the living room and Kihyun fixes his shirt almost self-consciously when he feels a certain stare on him.

When he gathers the courage to actually look up, Kihyun feels his ego bubbling up a little because Hoseok is looking at him the way he would always do before calling him handsome or pretty – except that his ears seem to be burning red – and Kihyun feels flattered even without the words.

After a short banter and intense game of rock-paper-scissors to decide on who rides shotgun in Minhyuk’s car, Kihyun groans as he’s squished between Hoseok and Hyunwoo in the backseat while Hyungwon has the front seat.

“I’ve got long legs.” The younger offers plainly when he spots Kihyun squinting at him through the rearview mirror.

“I know you can comfortably fold like a damn lawn chair. I’ve seen it.” Kihyun grunts, pulling the seatbelt wedged under him. “Why are we even driving there? It’s like a ten minutes’ walk.” He asks and Minhyuk scoffs as he starts driving.

“If you think I’m dragging your drunk asses back on foot while being the only sober one, you’re very wrong.” Minhyuk says.

“That’s fair.” Hyunwoo mutters and Kihyun finds himself laughing a little because that man alone is quite a handful when drunk.

“I don’t think I’m going to drink either.” Hoseok voices after a moment and Kihyun turns to him curiously. “I don’t want to deal with any more memory trouble.” He explains and Kihyun sends him a quick smile.

“It’s alright, you didn’t drink a whole lot before too.” He reassures, squeezing his leg and Hoseok looks relieved.

 

Kihyun is definitely a little tipsy.

When they first get to the karaoke place, Changkyun and Jooheon have already paid for one of the rooms and brought beers in.

Kihyun truly doesn’t intend on drinking too much, willing himself to keep as much of a clear head as possible. But drinks keep being shoved toward him with the pretense of belated birthday gifts and after the first two, he doesn’t feel like keeping true to his words anymore.

So maybe he’s more than a little tipsy.

Kihyun knows his throat is going to be sore the next day with how he’s belting out the notes into the cheap mic but everyone is having fun and they’re all cheering and laughing after his rendition of the latest popular pop song.

He just doesn’t care anymore.

After giving a dramatic bow and shoving the mic into Hyunwoo’s hand, Kihyun drops back onto one of the couches next to Hoseok, the man looking back at him with an amused smile, eyes bright with laughter and Kihyun finds himself grinning back.

“How are you doing?” Kihyun asks, slapping Hoseok’s thigh – he’s always a little more touchy when he’s drunk – wiping the bead of sweat tickling down his neck and almost missing the way Hoseok’s eyes linger on the spot before he laughs.

“I think it’s pretty easy to say that I’m having fun.” He says, hand shooting out to steady Kihyun’s drink when he starts fanning himself with his hand in a poor attempt to keep himself cool.

“I’m glad.” He nods and Hoseok turns back to cheer on Hyunwoo when he busts out some dance moves.

At first, Kihyun had been worried Hoseok would somehow feel out of place – even if he knew their friends would do everything to keep him included – and while the elder did stick to him closely at first, Kihyun had felt affection and some sort of pride rising in his chest when he suddenly started dueting loudly with Changkyun a few songs into their night.

“What about you? Do you want me to get you some water?” Hoseok asks, moving his attention back onto him, leaning closer so he doesn’t have to shout over the sound of Minhyuk and Jooheon joining in and going off to the rap portion of the song and Kihyun sucks in a short breath because he’s _so close_.

He’s been looking more and more tempting as the night progressed and Kihyun even went as far as sitting next to Hyungwon a few songs ago – only to have Hoseok squeezing back next to him after his turn at the mic.

Kihyun hums but shakes his head, taking his drink back from Hoseok’s hovering hand and downing it before grinning goofily at the raised eyebrow that earns him.

“I’m just going to get some fresh air.” He says instead, stumbling a little as he stands, feeling like his skin is getting uncomfortably warm under his clothes.

“I’ll go with you so you don’t fall over and break your face.” Hoseok quickly says, amusement still evident in his voice as he grabs their coats and Kihyun almost snorts because he’s not that drunk.

“We’re heading out for a minute, anyone wanna come with?” Kihyun asks and he can see Jooheon about to say something before both Minhyuk and Chankgyun start manhandling him.

“We’re good!” Hyungwon shoots loudly and Kihyun rolls his eyes at how obvious they’re being.

“Let’s go before my skin melts off or something.” Kihyun says and Hoseok nods with an oblivious laugh at their antics.

Instead of going back down to the lobby, they opt for the little balcony they spot a few doors away from where they are since it’s empty. When they step outside, Kihyun lets out a loud relieved sigh at the cold air immediately nipping at every bit of exposed skin he has.

“At least put on your jacket.” Hoseok frets, already bundled up in his jacket and scarf, forcing his coat around him.

Kihyun closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, the winter air almost burning inside his lungs as he tightens the item of clothing around himself but doesn’t bother to slip his arms into it properly.

Out here Kihyun can feel the buzzing in his ears from the loud music and the warmth of the alcohol in his system. He feels light and carefree as he leans onto the railing and lets out another content sigh. Opening his eyes again, Kihyun finds himself smiling as he looks down at the streets, the festive lights hanging around, the people briskly walking in the cold and the sparse snowflakes slowly coming down.

“You know it’s nice to see you let loose like that.” Hoseok says, voice sounding incredibly quiet compared to how loud everything has been for the past few hours and Kihyun finds himself blinking and turning to face him.

“It’s all because of you.” He grins somewhat teasingly and he almost misses the way Hoseok seems to search his face like he’s done quite a few times in the past few weeks but there’s something so piercing about his gaze that it doesn’t slip passed even his blurry head.

“You have dimples under your eyes when you smile big.” Hoseok smiles softly and Kihyun heart squeezes realizing just how much attention the elder has been giving him.

Kihyun feels another type of warmth filling his chest.

“Yeah, I used to not like them, thinking they’re weirdly placed.” He mutters, touching the spot under his left eye and Hoseok tilts his head curiously.

“I think they’re charming.” He smiles softly, leaning against the railing, arms pressing together and mirroring him and Kihyun bites the inside of his cheek because he sort of wants nothing more than just breach the short distance between them and kiss him. 

“You’ve been very generous with compliments recently.” He observes quietly and Hoseok gives him a slightly coy smile.

“Wasn’t I before?” He replies and Kihyun keeps quiet for a moment because, it’s true, Hoseok’s always been very open with complimenting the people around him, something to do with maybe brightening someone’s mood.

It’s only one of the things that made Kihyun fall in love with him.

“I guess you were too.” He breathes, his words cut short by a shiver at a particularly strong gust of wind.

“Do you want to head back inside?” Hoseok asks, seeing his reaction and while Kihyun knows he probably should, considering it can’t be good for him to be out in the cold when he’s sweated so much and his clothes are damp against his skin, he still shakes his head.

“I want to stay a little longer.” He mutters, voice not exactly slurring but something close to that. 

“I feel like drunk you is quite stubborn so I won’t even try to convince you but know that I’m disapproving of your decision.” Hoseok says and Kihyun can only laugh quietly because, if anything, Hoseok has that right.

“Just a few more minutes.” Kihyun tries to reassure that he doesn’t actually want to spend the entire night out in the cold and Hoseok sigh.

Kihyun can see Hoseok hesitating for a moment and just when he’s about to question the unsureness in his expression, the elder moves away from the railing a little and wraps his arms around him, chest pressing against his back and Kihyun’s words die on his tongue because – oh. 

Swallowing thickly, Kihyun briefly wonders if the heat he suddenly feels comes from the embrace or from the way his heart is overworking inside his chest.

“At least let me do this so I don’t feel too bad about watching you freeze.” Hoseok speaks and Kihyun feels goosebumps rising on his skin because the words are uttered almost directly into his ear.

Kihyun nods mutely because he’s afraid that if he opens his mouth right now, he’s going to say something he’ll regret in the morning. Instead, he decides to lean back against Hoseok, basking into the familiar warmth and scent he’s constantly missing so much – even if just for a few minutes.

“Are you going to spend Christmas with your brother?” Kihyun asks suddenly and Hoseok hums.

“I think so. He asked me to spend it with him and his wife.” He replies and Kihyun nods silently – it’s going to be the first Christmas in a long time they spend apart. “It’s still so strange to think that he’s my younger brother and he’s already married while I’m just…you know.” Hoseok trails off.

Kihyun wants to say so much. Wants to spill everything. The proposing he had planned a while ago now burning the tip of his tongue, but he’s become so good at holding back now.

So he just keeps quiet. 

“Kihyun?” Hoseok whispers after a moment and Kihyun blinks, only now realizing he closed his eyes.

“Yeah?” Kihyun turns his head a little to the side to show that he’s listening.

“My fingers are freezing.” Hoseok mutters and Kihyun looks down to where his arms are wrapped around his chest, fingers clasped together and unprotected from the cold.

And maybe it’s because he’s drunk or maybe because he’s tired of overthinking everything he does, but Kihyun reaches up to hold Hoseok’s hands in his and bring them up close to his face to blow warm air on them.

Focused on his task and because he’s standing in front of him, Kihyun doesn’t notice the way a shy smile pulls at Hoseok’s face or the way the red from the cold on his cheeks suddenly darkens. Rubbing some more heat into them, Kihyun gives his hands a short squeeze before twisting around a little to be able to look at his face.

“Better?” He questions quietly, voice getting stuck in his throat because he didn’t think about just how close they would be if he turned around and Hoseok’s expression is so soft and open, stray snowflakes clinging to his fringe and lashes.

“Much better, thanks.” He smiles and in his not so clear head, Kihyun decides that he wants to do some hugging too.

Fully turning around with Hoseok’s arms still around his shoulders, Kihyun throws his own arms around his waist, nudges his scarf down a little and pushes the tip of his cold nose against Hoseok’s neck for a moment in search of more warmth, smiling to himself at how fast his pulse is going even though they’ve been standing still for a while.

Suddenly Changkyun’s words resonate in his head. _Maybe he’s falling in love with you again_.

And normally, Kihyun would’ve quickly chased the thought away as mere wishful thinking but he’s got too many excuses ready to use right now. He’s had too much to drink, he’s been out in the cold for too long, Hoseok is holding him too tightly and a few more farfetched ones swimming in his head.

When he first purses his lips, Kihyun knows they barely make contact with Hoseok’s skin and it could pass as an accident with how close they’re holding onto each other so he does it again fully, appreciating how warm his skin feels there, the jump in his pulse and he barely registers the way his arms loosen around him.

“Kihyun.” Hoseok whispers, voice tight and Kihyun hums questioningly, barely pulling his head back from his neck, heavy gaze locking onto his lips.

“Seok, can I…” Kihyun trails off, at that moment, having every intention to kiss him, but then his eyes slowly travel up Hoseok’s face and he’s met with so much apprehension in his eyes.

It feels like a sobering slap to the face.

Letting his arms fall to his sides and taking a step back, breaking the embrace, Kihyun feels the warmth of shame crawling up his chest to his face at his actions.

“I…I’m sorry.” He apologizes weakly before stepping around Hoseok and stepping back inside.

Kihyun’s heart beats uncomfortably in his chest as he shoots one last glance toward the glass door of the balcony, Hoseok still out in the cold and facing toward the city. Halting his steps, Kihyun decides to head down the lobby instead of going back inside their room, his mood having completely shift and he barely keeps himself together as he quickly texts Minhyuk to ask him to drive him home.

Minhyuk doesn’t send a reply but Kihyun hears hurried footsteps coming from the stairs before he sees his friend coming into view, hastily putting on his jacket, worried eyes looking for him.

When he spots him by the exit, Minhyuk hurries to him, mouth opening to obviously ask what’s wrong but Kihyun shakes his head.

“Don’t ask me, I’ll tell you later. I just want to go home.” Kihyun says, turning on his heels and heading outside toward Minhyuk’s car.

Kihyun knows that Minhyuk is hitching to ask what happened, always hating to leave things unfixed so he’s thankful for the short ride spent in complete silence.

When Minhyuk parks in front of his apartment and turns to him, it takes everything Kihyun has in him to not burst into tears.

“You’ll be alright?” He questions softly and Kihyun wants to say that, no, he won’t. He fucked up and he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to fix it.

“Yeah…Just tell the others I got sick.” He croaks out and Minhyuk leans over the middle console to hug him and Kihyun pats his back.

“That’s already what I told them when I left the room.” He says and Kihyun knows he doesn’t say it a lot but he really appreciates his friend. “Call me whenever.” Minhyuk insists and Kihyun nods, pulling back and opening the car.

When he closes the door of the apartment, Kihyun feels his resolve crumble completely, eyes stinging with tears and chest constricting painfully at held back sobs. He knows he crossed a line. He knows he fucked up and feels like he probably just took ten giant steps back from all the progress he made before with Hoseok.

Kicking his boots aside and carelessly throwing his jacket away, Kihyun locks himself in the bathroom because all he wants right now is to scrub off the dried up sweat from his skin and crawl into the comfort of his bed – and maybe when he’ll wake up, he’ll find out this was a nightmare and he didn’t actually try come onto his amnesiac boyfriend.

Letting the water wash away everything, Kihyun leaves the shower only when the water turns lukewarm instead of scalding hot. Looking around, Kihyun reaches for the first sweats and t-shirt he sees from the laundry he had done in the morning, pausing only slightly because the shirt is definitely Hoseok’s.

Kihyun’s finds himself rooted in the doorway for a second when he leaves the bathroom and sees Hoseok leaning back against the wall and obviously waiting for him. He stands still for a moment because it doesn’t make sense in his head that Hoseok is there. Minhyuk just drove him back, there’s no way he walked back so quickly.

“Kihyun.” He speaks, immediately straightening up but Kihyun snaps out of it, turns and escapes to his room, cringing a little at how he definitely shut the door too loudly.

Crushing his back against the door, Kihyun knows Hoseok could just barge in if he wanted to. He knows he is right outside. But he also knows Hoseok has never been one to use brute force. He isn’t knocking or trying to talk yet but Kihyun can feel him there and he doesn’t know what to do.

Kihyun knows he can’t hide away forever. He knows they’re going to have to talk about it but it feels too big right now. He can’t deal with any kind of rejection.

“ _Kihyun open the door please_.” Hoseok’s voice sounds so quiet and soft, almost like he’s trying to approach an injured animal and Kihyun takes in a deep breath to steady his voice.

“Look I’m sorry. I just want to go to bed.” He replies while he feels nothing close to tired. His body still too jittery and his mind too busy spiraling.

“ _You don’t have to apologize…I just want to talk to you._ ” He tries and Kihyun shakes his head as if Hoseok can see him.

“Just forget about it.” Kihyun wants his words to come out harsh but he knows they sound more desperate than anything. Pleading, almost. “I…I just had too much to drink, I’m not usually like that with you.” He tries to reason, biting down on his tongue because even to his own ears it sounds so fake.

“ _Just open up…I need to tell you something_.” Hoseok tries again and Kihyun almost opens the door to get it over with and have his heart broken all over again but he can’t bring himself to do it.

He goes as far as turning around and pressing his forehead against the cold wood and letting out an unsteady exhale.

“You can say whatever you have to say like this. I told you I’m tired, I want to go to –”

“ _I know about us_.”

Even with Hoseok’s voice muffled through the door, he words resonates loud and clear into Kihyun’s head and he finds himself completely anchored to the floor, eyes slowly widening and burning as his heart pounds against his ribcage – he must be mistaking. Hoseok can’t mean that.

“ _I…I know about what we were…before the accident_.”

Hoseok adds as if he heard Kihyun’s thoughts and Kihyun feels like the room is shifting – or maybe that’s simply because of how fast he snaps his head up and reaches for the doorknob before freezing again, fingers wrapped white around the handle.

Chewing anxiously on his lower lip, Kihyun slowly cracks the door open, peeking at Hoseok, unsure of how to respond.

“What did you say?” He still finds himself asking because there’s too many what ifs springing inside his head.

“I…I know Kihyun.” Hoseok starts and it’s obvious how nervous and worried he is. “I know we were together.” He clarifies and Kihyun’s heart squeezes tightly in his chest.

“How?” He questions in a whisper because he feels like he’s done a pretty damn good job at hiding things.

“Minhyuk.” Hoseok answers. “He accidentally told me about it once.” He adds, clearly unwilling to sell out the man but also knowing there’s no way around it right now.

Kihyun feels like he should be rightfully angry, feel like all of his efforts have been in vain but he just can’t bring himself to be – especially when another thought invades his mind.

“For how long?” He asks, wrapping protective arms around himself, thinking back to the past few weeks and trying to not let the hurt swell up too much inside of him.

“Uh…a while.” Hoseok mutters, expression suddenly guilty and it’s like something clicks inside Kihyun’s brain.

“That time I went out with Changkyun and when I got back Minhyuk left in a hurry.” He says knowingly, realization dawning on him and the way Hoseok’s eyes shift to the side confirms his thought.

“Yeah…” He says weakly after a moment and Kihyun frowns, a seed of betrayal planting itself in the pit of his stomach.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kihyun asks, sounding more defeated than he intends to and it’s not like he would have expected Hoseok to tell him that same day but he feels like since then he’s had plenty of opportunities to have a discussion about it.

“I don’t know…It was strange and overwhelming to learn about this from someone else. Learning that I was building a life with someone and didn’t remember?” He says and Kihyun deflates a little, letting his arms fall limply to his sides before bringing a hand up to his face and rubbing it.

“I guess I get it.” He mutters before looking back at Hoseok’s face. “And how do you feel about it now?” He asks, unsure of where it comes from and Hoseok also looks surprised for a moment before his features soften again.

“I guess I can see why I fell in love with you before.” He says the words so quietly Kihyun almost believes he heard them wrong but he _knows_ he didn’t.

“You don’t have to lie for my sake.” He says meekly, letting out a short bitter laugh – he can’t let himself hope, not right now.

“I’m not.” Hoseok replies firmly, stepping closer and pushing the door open some more.

Kihyun takes a step back in surprise at the sudden proximity but he doesn’t go very far because Hoseok is reaching out and grabbing one of his hands.

“Earlier when I…When I almost kissed you,” Kihyun starts, still feeling himself flush in embarrassment. “Hoseok, you looked scared.” He adds quietly, a frown starting to form on his face.

“Kihyun. I wasn’t scared because of what you might do.” Hoseok immediately refutes. “I was worried that you were doing it because you were drunk.” He explains and Kihyun feels his expectations skyrocketing in his chest.

“I’m not that drunk that I would randomly try to kiss just anyone.” He says and Hoseok gives him a small smile.

“I can see that now, you just looked a lot more wasted earlier.” Hoseok tries a short laugh to defuse the tension but Kihyun can’t quite find it in himself to return it.

“I was just having a lot of fun.” He says instead, feeling a squeeze on his hand.

“I know I…” Hoseok starts suddenly, sounding more determined and Kihyun rubs his thumb against the back of his hand to soothe him when he sees him lick his lips in that one little nervous habit. “I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with but you’ve been so patient and understanding with me and when I learned about us I started paying more attention and I started seeing how strong and amazing of a person you are.” He says in one breath and Kihyun’s eyes drop to the floor, suddenly unable to take the honest feelings shining in the other’s eyes. “After the initial shock, I really started seeing you differently.”

“It’s not like I could just abandon you.” Kihyun mumbles, the compliments feeling too spot-on, bringing out too many buried emotions.

“It’s more than that.” Hoseok counters without missing a beat. “You took care of me since day one when you could have just let my brother take over. You put yourself through all that and you never tried to overstep with me or force any kind of feelings on me.” He says and Kihyun’s scoff comes out in a shuddering breath.

“I did tonight.” He mutters bitterly, his heart still feeling so heavy in his chest and it almost splits in half when Hoseok lets go of his hand but he quickly cups his face to have him look up.

“Kihyun.” Hoseok frets, eyebrows furrowed, face serious. “You didn’t. Trust me.” He adds firmly, eyes boring into his, so filled with sincerity that Kihyun’s fingers hitch to reach out and hold onto him – any part of him to ground himself – because this feels like too much and too little at the same time. “It must have been so hard on you.” He whispers, thumbs brushing over his cheekbones and Kihyun’s sucks in a sharp breath.

“Don’t.” He whispers.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to hold back if you’re being like this.” Kihyun admits, voice almost pleading.

“Then don’t.” Hoseok parrots, words meaningful.

Kihyun isn’t sure why those words are the ones to force the tightening in his chest to snap like a rubber band. Maybe it’s having his struggles acknowledged after all this time or maybe it’s the result of having things piling up for so long, when the whisper escapes him without his consent, Kihyun can’t find it in himself to regret it.

“Kiss me.”

A moment passes and Kihyun feels Hoseok’s fingers twitch slightly against his cheek, eyes searching and he’s convinced Hoseok is going to pull back, tell him to go to sleep and that they’ll talk more in the morning. But then his eyes drop lower and the next second, Kihyun’s request is being fulfilled.

Kihyun gasps silently when their lips meet a little less than gently, his hands shooting out to hold onto Hoseok’s waist and his eyes fluttering closed. 

Goosebumps breaks all over his skin when Hoseok’s fingers drift down from his face to touch his neck and rest on his shoulders, the touch featherlike. Kihyun’s heart soars in his throat when the contact turns gentle and almost shy because this is what he wanted, what he’s needed for so long. 

When Hoseok slowly pulls back, resting his forehead against his, Kihyun feels the shuddering breaths against his upper lip and he opens his eyes, swallowing thickly when he sees the other’s lids still closed and he suddenly has the urge to reach up and touch his blushed cheeks.

They’re as warm to the touch as he expected when he brushes the pads of his fingers on them.

Hoseok’s eyes open slowly and they fall on his for a second before darting down, his ears also blossoming red and Kihyun’s chest feels so full and lighter than it’s been in so long – there’s no hint of regret on Hoseok’s face.

“You know I’ve been wanting to do that for a bit now.” Hoseok voices, finger idly drumming on his shoulders and Kihyun almost laughs at that.

“Trust me I know the feeling.” He replies, finger sliding down under Hoseok’s chin to lift his head and have him look at his face again.

Hoseok’s eyes are wide and curious and, even after knowing him for so long, Kihyun still doesn’t understand how a man almost twice his size can look so meek and soft and he so, so in love with him. 

Instead of blurting out the first words that come to his mind, Kihyun pulls Hoseok into a hug – it may be a little crushing but Hoseok reciprocates just as tightly.

“I want this.” Hoseok whispers and Kihyun almost jumps because he doesn’t expect it.

“What?” He questions, fingers slowly drawing random patterns on his lower back.

“You…Us. I want it.” Hoseok clarifies, arms tightening around his shoulders and Kihyun shivers when he presses his lips against his ear.

“Are you sure?” He still finds himself asking because while he wants this more than anything else, he couldn’t handle Hoseok changing his mind after a few days. 

“Yes.” Hoseok whispers. “It might be different than before…I don’t know but, I’ve grown to like you a whole lot and I trust my past self for settling with you all this time ago.” He explains and Kihyun clutches at his shirt, eyes suddenly stinging.

“Stay here tonight.” He mutters, forcing his head back to look at Hoseok. “I need to make sure this is real and that you’ll still be here when I wake up.” He adds and Hoseok unwraps his arms from around his shoulders to thumb away the wetness from his lashes.

“Okay.” He replies simply even though his face still looks flushed.

“I’m exhausted.” Kihyun suddenly chuckles, the whirlwind of emotions finally catching up to him.

“Get to bed. I need to shower.” Hoseok smiles back at him. “I’ll come back after.” He adds as an afterthought and Kihyun nods, feeling cold as soon as they move away from each other.

When he slips under the covers, Kihyun can’t find it in himself to fall asleep. He stares blankly at the ceiling, the sound of the shower a certain type of soothing and he can’t push down the slow smile forming on his face when he lets everything sink in. He knows the situation is delicate – will probably be for a while – and that one wrong move can break everything but he wants this too much to let it deter him.

Hoseok doesn’t remember him. That’s something that may never change. Kihyun knows that. But he also knows now that he’s ready to give him a chance all over again. Get to know him in that way once more. Kihyun is ready to go through everything step by step and he truly doesn’t care how long it takes.

Kihyun is so lost in his own thought that he doesn’t hear when the shower stops running or the slow footsteps in the room a few minutes after that.

“You’re still awake?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun’s eyes shift from the ceiling to find him standing next to the bed. His hair is still damp, skin flushed and Kihyun almost literally aches to touch him – have him close again.

“I was waiting for you.” He offers and Hoseok bites back a shy smile when Kihyun shifts to the other side of the bed and make room for him.

Hoseok only hesitates for a second before he slips under the covers next to him, laying on his side and Kihyun mirrors his position to look at him.

“This is the most at home I’ve felt in so long.” Kihyun whispers, lifting a hand to push away a strand of hair from Hoseok’s forehead.

“I’m sorry it took so long.” Hoseok replies, closing his eyes at the touch and nuzzling his face against the pillow.

“Don’t apologize.” Kihyun says, fighting the urge to pull him against his chest because he looks so cuddly and the scent of his soap is so familiar and comforting.

Hoseok’s eyes stay closed and Kihyun takes advantage of it to look at him – _really_ look at him – in a way he hasn’t been able to let himself enjoy since the accident. He lets his fingers brush against closed eyelids, moving up the shell of his ear and down soft cheeks, hesitating for a moment before ghosting over his lips.

Lids fluttering open, Hoseok looks back at him, eyes glinting in the low light as he shifts closer and Kihyun’s breath is stolen once more from his lungs when Hoseok rests only a few inches from him, sharing the edge of his pillow.

“You can kiss me again if you want.” He says voice so soft and quiet Kihyun isn’t sure he would’ve heard him if they weren’t so close.

And Kihyun knows him so well. He knows this was always how Hoseok would bring up something he’d want but was too shy to ask for when they first started dating.

He can practically feel the heat radiating off his face now.

“Are you trying to make my heart burst tonight?” He asks just as quietly and Hoseok’s eyes crinkle in a smile and Kihyun is so gone for him.

Swooping in, Kihyun presses a kiss to his forehead, followed by the tip of his nose and the highest point of his cheebones. Kihyun stops for a moment to look at Hoseok’s face. While he looks like he’s about to combust at any second, his eyes are expectant and Kihyun bites back a smile as he leans in again, this time aiming for his lips, letting himself feel the warmth and softness of them before he pulls back because he knows he can’t handle more than that right now.

“Go to sleep.” Hoseok whispers when Kihyun keeps looking at him and he lets out a short chuckle.

“Sorry, I’ve just…I’ve had dreams like this. And when I woke up you weren’t…there.” He explains, still remembering the hollowness in his chest whenever that would happen. In those moments, he would never feel so far apart from someone so physically close to him before. Knowing Hoseok slept in the room a few feet away killed him.

“I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” Hoseok says and Kihyun want to apologize for having him repeat himself so much about that but he doesn’t voice it because deep down he knows he needs it.

He needs the reassurance to heal too in his own way.

“Goodnight.” He smiles gently when Hoseok reaches out to hold onto his hand under the covers.

 

 

When Kihyun wakes up, he’s torn between groaning and just burying his face back in his pillow because he definitely didn’t close the blinds properly before going to sleep and there’s a sliver of light filtering in right in his face – combined with the faint pulsing of a slight headache at his temples – he wants to fall back into unconsciousness.

Rolling over to at least avoid the sun, Kihyun freezes when his hand slaps against skin and he blinks awake, suddenly a lot more alert and oh.

Warmth blooms in his chest and all the bad feelings he suddenly harbored vanish when his minds clears up and the previous night creeps back into his head.

“…Ow.” Hoseok’s voice is muffled by his hand and Kihyun quickly takes it back to himself, fully rolling over to get a proper look at him.

“Sorry.” He chuckles sleepily, reaching his hand out again to gently pat Hoseok’s cheek.

Kihyun takes a moment to observe him. Look at how fluffed up his hair is against the pillow and how soft and slightly puffy his face still is. But mostly how he looks fully awake.

“Have you been awake for long?” He asks, still letting his eyes roam for a moment when Hoseok offers him a sheepish smile and a tiny shrug of his shoulder. 

“You said you wanted me to be there when you woke up.” He offers, simple and honest and Kihyun realizes it might be a little forward when he hears a short gasp as he pulls Hoseok into his arms but his embrace is returned before he can start to mull over it.

“I missed you so much.” Kihyun mutters into his hair.

Hoseok doesn’t say it back – Kihyun doesn’t expect him to, because how can you miss something you have no recollection of?

What he does is squeeze at him a little tighter and that itself holds more than enough meaning to Kihyun.

“Now that you’re awake, will you just give me a second?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun frees him from his arms with a short laugh.

“Of course.”

Hoseok slips out of the bed and Kihyun takes advantage to fully stretched and look around for his phone when he remembers he left it in his jacket’s pocket and the battery is probably dead already. He knows he most likely has more than a few messages from Minhyuk asking how he’s doing but before he can think of getting the device, Hoseok walks back in the room with a bag in his hand.

“What’s that?” Kihyun asks, sitting up and Hoseok looks almost bashful as he hands it to him.

“Happy belated birthday.” He says and Kihyun admits to himself that he’s a little speechless as he simply stares for a second.

“Seok – what?” He mutters, confusion mixing in with sudden curiosity as he accept the bag.

“I planned on giving it to you when we’d get back last night but, you know…” Hoseok explains briefly, sitting down in front of him on the bed and Kihyun’s eyes shift between him and the bag in his hand.

“You really didn’t have to.” He frets but Hoseok chuckles, rubbing at his neck shyly.

“I know. I wanted to.” He offers and Kihyun resists the urge to lean in and kiss him again.

Opening up the bag, Kihyun glances at Hoseok again because he immediately recognize the name of a store he goes to often and when he actually opens the gift, Kihyun realizes it’s the camera satchel he’s been eyeing for a while now.

“How did you…” He trails off because he knows he hasn’t mentioned that to him.

“I saw you struggling with your broken bag strap and you were looking this one up online a few times recently,” Hoseok starts, giving him a soft smile. “So when I learned about your birthday I had Hyungwon help me find the shop.” He explains and Kihyun isn’t quite sure how to express the feeling filling up his chest right now.

He always admired the way Hoseok always pays attention to the little things of people around him.

“God I – thank you, it means a lot to me.” Kihyun saves himself from telling Hoseok he loves him because he feels that would be a little too much.

But he does lean in close to him and press a short kiss to his lips and the red-cheeked gummy smile he receives in return is definitely worth the slight surprise on his face. 

 

 

_Things are awkward_.

It’s not like Kihyun expected them to go back to how they were after a day or two, and he did worry for half a minute that Hoseok might be regretting things – which he quickly pushed away –, but he didn’t expect them to unsurely dance around each other either after the discussion they had that night and with how smoothly the next morning had gone.

Nursing a cup of too hot coffee in his hands, Kihyun sighs as he hears the squeaking of a chair being rolled up to him.

“Go back to work.” He mutters, not even turning toward Changkyun.

“Come on, you’re back to moping.” The younger says, resting his chin on his shoulder and Kihyun flicks his nose to get him off.

It doesn’t work.

“I’m fine.” He says and it’s mostly true but Changkyun obviously isn’t buying it as he glances at his blank work.

“Sure.” He says sarcastically and Kihyun knows the faster he tells him the quicker he’ll leave him alone.

“It’s nothing bad, really.” He heaves, pushing his coffee away on his desk. “I think I just want too much too fast. I’m worried to come off as too eager and scare him away.” He tries to explain and Changkyun stares at him for a moment.

“So you want to get in his pants but you’re scared he’ll think it’s too soon?” He shoots back and Kihyun snorts, finally brushing Changkyun off his shoulder and turning around.

“I mean, I do want that eventually ‘cause it’s been a really fucking long time but. I’m not even there yet.” He starts and Changkyun raises a brow at him. “I accidentally called him baby the other day and he turned so red and flustered.” Kihyun explains.

And while he had been completely endeared by the sight, it kind of made Kihyun realize just how much they have to build up together.

“That’s kind of cute.” Changkyun mutters with an amused smile and Kihyun hums.

“Yeah, it was…It’s just…You know how Hoseok has the habit of putting others before him?” He asks and Changkyun nods. “It was worse when we started dating, he would never ask for stuff he wanted and always let me decide and lead.” Kihyun tries to explain, still remembering how he had almost broken up with him because he thought he didn’t actually care about their relationship.

He very quickly got to know he couldn’t be more wrong.

“Well he’s kind of back to being like that now and mixed with me being scared of doing something he’s not going to like or think is too much, it’s been so painfully awkward I’m not sure what to do.” Kihyun explains and Changkyun looks pensive for a moment.

“I’m sure watching you two must be so frustrating.” He says instead of anything helpful and Kihyun groans, grabbing Changkyun’s chair and rolling him back to his own desk.

 

 

“Let’s go on a date.”

Kihyun blinks in surprise once he gets home and those are the words that greet him.

“What?” He asks as he takes off his scarf and coat, eyes trained on the way Hoseok almost shyly shuffles from one foot to the other.

“You have to admit things have been a little…weird the past few days.” Hoseok starts, clearing his throat and Kihyun is glad that at least he’s not the only one feeling that way. “And we want to…make, us, happen so we should try and go on an actual date.” He says again and while he tries not to, Kihyun can feel a smile pulling at his mouth.

“I think that’s a great idea.” He replies gently and Hoseok seems to breathe a huge sigh of relief.

“Okay good, I’ve been preparing myself to ask that all day.” He laughs and Kihyun returns it.

“So what did you have in mind?” He asks and Hoseok stares at him blankly for a second before his expression turns sheepish.

“I…I didn’t think that far.” He admits and Kihyun chuckles.

“You know what? I found our old skates while reorganizing a closet last week, let’s go ice skating.” He offers and Hoseok’s face lights up.

“Let’s go now.” He shoots and Kihyun raises a brow. “Right, you must be tired with work and all.” He quickly says as if realizing he had barely just walked back home but Kihyun shakes his head.

“I’m up for it, as long as you don’t mind stopping somewhere to get food.”

After taking their time getting bundled up and getting something to eat from a street vendor, it has gotten pretty late and it being a week day, the skating rink is pretty empty – which Kihyun is thankful for because he’s not sure his skating skills are up to date.

Just like he expected, they both spend the first few minutes holding onto each other, giggling like a couple of kids, trying to gather some sort of balance as they get used to the slippery surface under their feet.

“I think I got this.” Hoseok, says proudly after a moment, looking a lot more comfortable moving around.

“Me too, but that doesn’t mean you should stop holding my hand we’re still on a date and that’s proper etiquette,” Kihyun says playfully but he still reaches out his hand and Hoseok’s face breaks into a wider grin.

“Sorry.” Hoseok sings, circling back toward him to grab his hand and Kihyun almost misses the impish look hiding behind Hoseok’s smile but it’s been so long since he’s seen it directed at him that he just _can’t_ miss it.

“Don’t.” Kihyun says quickly. “Whatever you’re planning on doing, don’t.” He squints at him and Hoseok looks so shocked for a second before he turns coy.

“How did you even know I was going to do anything?” He asks and Kihyun can only smile fondly at him before he pushes on his skates and forces them to start moving.

It’s _nice_.

The atmosphere is nice, the pretty Christmas lights make everything look soft and their conversation flows easily from one thing to another. Also, none of them have fallen on their ass – only a close call when Kihyun had thrown his head back with laughter and almost lost his balance but Hoseok had still been holding onto his and steadied him.

And now the silence they’ve fallen in his comfortable.

Gloved hands still clasped together, Kihyun smiles to himself as he looks at Hoseok. The way the tip of his nose and ears have turned red with cold and dark bangs messily fall into his eyes makes him look so pretty.

“You know my brother is picking me up tomorrow for Christmas…” Hoseok speaks after a while and Kihyun hums, still feeling a little bitter about not spending the holiday together like the previous years but not wanting Hoseok to feel bad for seeing his brother either.

“Is something bothering you about it?” Kihyun asks, squeezing his hand when he stays silent for a moment.

“I mentioned our parents to him and he got all quiet and then tried to avoid the subject.” He explains as he guides the both of them to the edge of the rink and faces toward the snow-covered trees decorated with pretty lights.

Kihyun swallows thickly as he lets go of Hoseok’s hand, both of them resting their arms on the side of the rink – he knows where this is going already.

“What really happened with them?” He drops, glancing at him and Kihyun chews on the inside of his cheek.

“Are you sure you really want to talk about this?” He asks and Hoseok nods determinedly.

“I’ve been wondering for a while…I thought…I thought they just didn’t approve or something but the way you and my brother react when I mention them…I want to know what happened.” He explains and Kihyun hums because while he doesn’t particularly want to revisit those memories, ever, he guesses it’s only fair Hoseok wants to know.

“Alright…” Kihyun sighs, scooting closer so their arms are pressed together. “But you need to promise me you won’t feel guilty.” He says, earning himself a nod at his request.

“Okay?” Hoseok agrees, obviously a little apprehensive.

“When we started dating, you told me you weren’t out to your parents and how you were scared and I understood. _God_ , I understood. I knew how hard it was for me to do the exact same thing a few years earlier.” Kihyun explains and Hoseok’s face softens a little. “You said it would just be for a little while. That you were already planning on telling them, that you just needed to build up the courage.” Kihyun explains, the memory already forcing a frown to wrinkle his forehead. “But then weeks turned into months and before we knew it, we’d been together for a year.” He sighs loudly, still hating the way he reacted back then.

“I’m sorry –”

Kihyun quickly shoots Hoseok a look for him already apologizing and he shuts up, rubbing his hands together.

“I just…It was our anniversary. I was already exhausted with exams and I was bitter about having to spend it huddled up in my room with my roommates right there because you were afraid your family was out to get you. And well…I...I blew up.” He explains, feeling his guts twisting as he still remembers to harsh words he had spewed at the other. 

“God, Kihyun…I don’t –”

“Please don’t try to apologize.” Kihyun cuts him off again, knowing the expression on his face is an apologetic one. “Like I said I was just angry and tired and you were scared and just as tired and we fought. We fought big time and I threw you out. The next morning when I started realizing what I did to you I felt so bad and I panicked when I couldn’t get to you but then you…You turned up to my front door three days later. You were hurt but you wouldn’t tell me what happened.” Kihyun says quietly, glancing at Hoseok to see how he’s taking it all.

“Right…” He mutters before looking back at him with a sad look. “My dad?” He assumes and Kihyun sucks in a sharp breath.

“Yeah…” He whispers. “It took you a long time to even tell me. You came out to them in what you said was probably the crudest way and you never actually told me what you said but your dad…He punched you, said that if he ever saw you again he’d do much worse and your mom didn’t…actually do anything. Just stood by him.” He sighs and Hoseok slowly shakes his head.

“I sort of always thought he wouldn’t be okay with it but my mom I…” He trails off and Kihyun lifts an arm to wrap it around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes and Hoseok gives him a small smile. 

“What happened after? I just moved in with you?” Hoseok asks and Kihyun hums.

“Sort of…At first, you kind of moved between mine and Hyungwon’s place and it…It wasn’t pretty. You used to wake up from nightmares screaming or just…barely sleep for days. You almost became like a ghost before you broke down and let everything out.” He explains sadly. “But then I guess it got better? You brother finally moved out of your parent’s house and you reconnected with him and when one of my roommates left and it became less cramped you officially moved in and said you felt like you had a home again after months of being lost.”

“Thank you for being honest with me.” He says and Kihyun observes him quietly for a moment.

“You’re surprisingly taking this very well.” He ponders after a moment and Hoseok shrugs.

“Maybe it’s because I don’t actually remember it?” He questions more to himself. “Maybe it’ll sink in later but I’m just…it sucks to know they couldn’t accept me but, I’ve gotten used to have great people around me now that I can’t be too sad about it?” He explains and Kihyun admits to himself to he’s kind of relieved to hear that.

“I think this is one of the very few things I’m glad you can’t remember,” Kihyun admits, squeezing around his shoulders before letting his hand trail down his back before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Hoseok startles a little and Kihyun gives him a small smile.

“Let’s just go home and watch a movie.” He offers when he sees Hoseok seems to be lost in thoughts.

“Sorry for kind of ruining our first date.” He almost pouts and Kihyun can’t help but chuckle.

“You didn’t. I think there would have never been a right moment to talk about this. Now I’m just freezing and I can’t really feel my toes anymore.” He says bluntly and Hoseok laughs a little.

“Yeah okay let’s go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for ending the first part like this!!! But I already wrote a lot of the second part so I'm going to try and post it within the next two weeks ^^; in the meantime please do tell me what you think of it so far it's always very much appreciated <3


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